The economy is failing because tithes are off

Posted by Jesus on July 15, 2008

You’ve seen it coming for months. You may have already been affected. The United States economy is failing, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to get better anytime soon. There are experts who say that you, the people, are to blame, or even that you’re just whining. Others say that your government screwed up. I know that it might be popular to blame George Bush or Ben Bernanke for this economic meltdown right now, but that’s all just crazy talk. Even George himself knows that God is involved in everything, which is why he still looks so comfortable. He knows he’s not responsible for the condition of the nation. It’s just providence. God has chosen this economy for you, and if you’ve been paying attention at all you probably know why. You’ve been remiss in kicking your ten percent upstairs, and God intends to put a stop to it. Now.

God can be a really good boss, or He can be a really bad boss. He can make your life really good, or he can make it really bad. He doesn’t ask much, either. You can either submit yourself to His will completely, spend some of your week praising Him, smite those who refuse to follow your example, and pay ten percent of your total income to your local Christian church, or you can live a short, miserable life with the full weight of God’s damnation on your wretched shoulders, clawing your way aimlessly through life with no direction and no hope of ever knowing happiness. Right now way too many of you have chosen the latter, so God has decided to show you the value of a dollar by, well,  literally wiping out the value of your dollar.

What we need to see is a total, national commitment to the 10 percent tithe rule found in the Bible. A complete and drastic return to the standard God has set, in recognition of that which is eternal and compulsory. I don’t mean to tell you how to justify God’s needs to yourself, but think about this: If you’re not paying God, how can you really expect protection? I mean, God loves you and all, but what have you done for Him lately? Omnipotence comes at an enormous price. Maintaining churches, school programs, fag reorientation clinics, political influence, and general dominance of the entirety of the American experience takes money. A lot of money.

Oh, but you’re one of those that needs to see evidence, right?

From the Bible (emphasis added by Jesus Christ of Nazareth):

And all the tithe of the land, whether of the seed of the land, or of the fruit of the tree, is the LORD’s: it is holy unto the LORD. And concerning the tithe of the herd, or of the flock, even of whatsoever passeth under the rod, the tenth shall be holy unto the LORD. –Leviticus 27:30,32

Thus speak unto the Levites, and say unto them, When ye take of the children of Israel the tithes which I have given you from them for your inheritance, then ye shall offer up an heave offering of it for the LORD, even a tenth part of the tithe. –Numbers 18:26-29

And as soon as the commandment came abroad, the children of Israel brought in abundance the firstfruits of corn, wine, and oil, and honey, and of all the increase of the field; and the tithe of all things brought they in abundantly. –2 Chronicles 31:5

One should be enough, but there’s three. I won’t get into further details, because to be honest you should all know this already and should be quite prepared to recite this scripture if confronted with an unbeliever yourself. I know none of you are anywhere near that devout, but then I also know that only a few dozen of you currently living are actually going to Heaven. There are actually currently more Jesus Jackpot winners than there are people who have earned their way into the Promised Land. It’s pretty sad, really.

Anyway, the economy is failing because you refuse to give God his take. It’s as simple as that. You can fix it by going to your bank and asking for a cashier’s check in the amount of ten percent of your balance, then delivering the check to your nearest Christian church. If enough of you comply God might put the brakes on your inevitable economic collapse. Maybe. He’s pretty ticked.

But because I’m such a nice savior of mankind I’ve decided to simplify the process for those of you who are more comfortable with the Internet by accepting your tithe directly on this site. It is not tax deductible and will not actually go to a church, but your donation will help me, Jesus, spread the Word. Plus I’ve had my eye on one of those new iPhones. So dig deep.

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