The Atheist Amnesty Program
Posted by Jesus on April 1, 2008
There has been a lot of talk lately about empty houses, sparse streets, and low turnout to various events here in Heaven. Everyone seems to want more people to get through the Gates as of late, and we, the Management, hear and understand. We know the shops need customers, the unions need members, and even the sports teams need lackeys, so we’re doing something about it. Today I’m happy to announce the Atheist Amnesty Program, which will once and for all populate Heaven to its reasonable capacity!
Here’s how it works: any atheist who wishes to go to Heaven can be forgiven of any mortal sin so long as they’re willing to accept God, pay a small penitence, and get in the back of the line. In exchange for their support going forward we will forgive them, expunge their Books of Life, and begin anew as if they were children.
Of course I know a lot of conservative Christians won’t be happy about us letting the dregs and the rationalists in, but God has spoken. This is how things are going to be, and if you don’t like it you can just break off and form your own sect where God is a manifestation of whatever you want Him to be.
So atheists, your time is now. There is a very short window for amnesty, so if you’d like to participate in our new program please see your nearest preacher immediately for the necessary dose of salvation. A better life awaits you on the other side of the border between life and death, and all you must do is find a way to cross that shallow distance. Once you’re here, we’ll let you stay.
And let me be the first to welcome everyone, including those who completely ignore the Bible, into Heaven!
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blargh said,
this is why every body hates this site
Justin said,
Ehhem!! “blargh” I personaly love this site and am a HUGE fan of Jesus here. Hey you can say what you like. I mean, you’re probably going to die and go to hell anyway so speak while you can non-believer. (Sorry, Jesus I know you know the real answer. I’m just playing the odds on blargh here) At any rate blargh you came to this site if you don’t like it ther are plent others. Have fun in hell.
Jesus said,
Thank you Justin. Our friend blargh obviously has a God-shaped hole in his life, and hopefully you and I can help convince him to fill it with something other than ignorance.
Oh, and I know you’d asked about that movie a while back. I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Your son is still young enough to atone for anything he might do wrong, at least for a little while longer. Tell him to enjoy such heathen entertainment now, while he can.
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