Shoot a 14 year old in the back, go to Heaven

Posted by Jesus on September 28, 2008

I am not normally the kind of deity who condones a great deal of killing and murder (except of course in the case of muslims), but a funny little story out of Texas got my attention this morning, and I’m compelled to give out my first Jesus Jackpot in a while. Jose Luis Gonzalez is hereby granted guaranteed passage into the promised land upon his death for shooting a boy in the back with a shotgun. It just doesn’t get any easier than that, does it?

I know what you’re saying. “Jesus, how can you glorify such a thing?” Well, I’ll tell you. Four boys, none older than 15, had repeatedly broken into Mr. Gonzalez’s trailer in Texas. He eventually caught and cornered them in the act, and after forcing them to their knees beat and cursed at them for stealing snacks from his cupboard. As the boys, one of whom was only 11 years old, were begging for their lives Mr. Gonzalez shot one of them at point-blank range in the back. He then had the others drag the corpse of their friend outside.

What about that story doesn’t scream hero at you? Here’s a guy who caught a pack of thieves and carried out God’s holy wrath upon them as instructed by his Bible. For those of you who have forgotten, Thou Shalt not Steal is still something that has just as much importance today as when it was hammered into stone by Moses. Of course his tablets came out looking a little strange, seeing as he was tripping balls at the time, but you get the point. The three boys who lived are never going to steal anything from anyone again, and Jose is the reason why. I couldn’t have done a better job myself. Sure, they’re all going to Hell, but at least they’re not going to prey on anyone again.

Of course Jose will be greeted in Heaven by me personally when he arrives, and will have a nice house by Lake Heaven City set aside for his eternal use. God has also expressed an interest in having Mr. Gonzalez over for lunch as soon as he can get here. If you want my opinion, I think the Almighty has a little crush on Jose. He feels like He can’t really be so direct with all of you anymore, and this whole putting thieves on their knees and executing them thing has really gotten God thinking. Once upon a time He was as blunt, and I it’s obvious sometimes that He misses those days.

In one final piece of good news, Jose was acquitted of all charges against him by a jury, who found that his actions were well within the scope of the law in Texas. Man, I love Texas.

From the article:

“I thank God and my attorney, the jury and the judge,” Gonzalez said in Spanish after the verdict.

You’re welcome, Jose. De Nada. You’ve earned it.

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