Have sex with a cow, go to Hell

Posted by Jesus on November 21, 2008

An interesting case landed on my desk yesterday. A guy named Robert Melia was arrested for some stuff with some kids, and during a search of his home the cops found video of him having sex with a cow. Our sins adjuster was unsure of how to file this case, as the act crosses several lines within a number of Commandments. I wasn’t sure how to process his punishment either, so I had a sit-down with Dad this morning and we hashed the whole thing out. Robert Melia, Jr. is going to Hell for having sex with a cow.

It’s not that his punishment was really ever in question. Robert has been damned for almost a quarter-century now following a rather severe fit of masturbation in high school which eventually lead him entirely astray. We don’t stop counting a person’s sins just because they tilt themselves so strongly toward evil though. In fact, we are requred by Heavenly Law to transmit your books of sin to Hell if you get sent there so that Satan can devise the most appropriate punishment, so being thorough even after a person is damned is paramount.

What made Melia’s case so difficult is the simultaneous violation of so many Commandments during his act of coitus. Let’s review:

Worshiping a false idol
Coveting his neighbor’s property
Committing adultery

That’s pretty serious. Of course it’s nowhere near so bad as Vladimir Tchitkukin, who six years ago built a religious shrine to his neighbor’s dog and murdered a family of immigrants on it while making his parents watch movies he’d stolen. Or Roger O’Donnell, who in the late 90’s used the bones of women he’d bedded and killed while his wife was at work and hair meticulously culled from the brushes of his neighbors to build a statue of Xenu in his basement, which on the Sabbath he would dance around naked. It took us several years to finally get that one sorted out.

The big one in modern history still belongs to old Kurt Cobain. In March of 1994 he led a group of children out of a Sunday school class and into a massive orgy which eventually came to involve the extended family of most of the participants and the entire northern half of the Los Angeles zoo. God finally had to step in right about the time they started playing “see how many Bibles we can fit inside Courtney.” Although they only managed to simultaneously violate nine out of ten Commandments, had God not directly intervened when He did I’m sure the tenth was on the horizon. Kurt was never the same after that, having come so close and failed.

Ah, memories. That was a good party.

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