Sean Hannity is going to Heaven!

Posted by Jesus on May 7, 2008

All men are born with talents. Some have useful talents, such as playing the bass guitar or being naturally good at working on air conditioners. Others talents are less marketable, like COBOL or speaking Spanish. Very special individuals are born with skills which allow them to shape the minds of those who listen to them, spinning words and ideas into arguments as easily as Beethoven conquered musical phrases. For these people a belief in God is important because they can and will ultimately find the souls of many Americans resting at the end of their next sentence. Sean Hannity is just such an individual, and today I’m going to tell you why he’s getting a one-way ticket to Heaven.

Most of you think that Sean Hannity is just a pompous blowhard who takes money to promote a narrow agenda intended to benefit a very small and select group of men. While this may appear to be the case, the reality is that Hannity is in fact a tool of God. That he comes across as a shill for the Republican Party only clarifies the fact that God is a Republican Himself. Don’t act so surprised.

You see, there comes a point in any argument that you’re winning that your opponent begins slinging absurdities out of sheer desperation. For years Republicans endured delusional suggestions from left-wing nutbags with stoic resolve and well-developed arguments intended to conquer the intellect of the American people, much as I try to do on this website. Then came American Idol. Your attention spans diminished and the left-wing’s lies found fertile ground, where even facts could not hold you to the truth of Republican ideals. God’s people gave ground, as even they were temped by the idiotic tantrums delivered by godless Democrats.

Then came Sean Hannity. He knew that the only way to directly combat an absurd argument is to conjure your own absurd argument. The more outlandish his rebuttals became, the more you tuned in. He found himself a funny-looking Democrat and set about openly berating him on live television, quickly rising to prominence in the most key of all political demographics: the NASCAR viewer.

Today he commands the fastest-growing radio audience and hosts several television programs. He is a Christian, of course, and aside from a slight obsession with his wife’s bum is a pretty stand up guy in the eyes of the Lord. His uncanny ability to manipulate crazy with more crazy is a true gift from God, and because Sean has chosen to use his power for God directly he has benefited greatly on Earth. More importantly, Sean is now a recipient of the much-coveted Jesus Jackpot award! When his life on Earth is complete he will ascend immediately to Heaven, where he will not see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, but will instead be met by me, personally, on a metal platform next to a big metal side door. So will his wife and children, parents, and some close friends. They will receive a huge mansion on Lake Heaven near God’s place, and will be admitted to the country club at the double-holy-super-platinum-saint level. Alan Colmes can’t get in, for, um, obvious reasons.

As for the several billion of you who are not Sean Hannity, today you do not get to go to Heaven. Perhaps if you modeled your life after someone like Sean as opposed to Paris Hilton maybe more than one of you would get into Heaven this week. But you don’t want to hear it again, I know. You’re not willing to stone your children and you don’t think it’s possible to replace your legal system with ten simple rules. The world has changed, but God is unchanging. The rules haven’t changed. Unfortunately it sometimes takes a wordsmith like Sean Hannity to spin you interesting and exciting tales to bring you back to some notion of the truth.

But we’ll take you, however we can get you. Even if we have to lie, cheat, bomb, steal, rig, conceal, torture, falsify, lose, perjure, and rob to get you. Onward Christian soldier, you’re a great American!

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