Rebecca Hancock is going to Hell

Posted by Jesus on December 19, 2008

The Sabbath is nearly upon us. In but a few minutes we will all be expected to cease our activities, dedicating the whole of the day to God and His immaculate wisdom. In the little time I have left before I too have to turn everything off I’d like to wrap up some last minute business. It’s not something super-critical, but it needs doing. Rebecca Hancock is going to Hell for being a whore.

I know what you’re asking. There are whores all over America, Jesus, why is Rebecca so important? Well, that’s a good question. Rebecca’s story is interesting because of the way her church is handling the matter.

From the article:

A 49-year-old Florida woman says her former church is threatening to reveal her sins to its congregation after learning that she is in a “sexually immoral relationship.

When she wasn’t willing to obey the church’s orders to leave him, she decided to leave the church instead, allowing her two children to remain active members.

Now, she says, church elders have given her the worst ultimatum yet: In a Dec. 8 letter, they told her she either has to meet with them and end her “immoral” relationship or she will face public humiliation.

That’s right, children. One of your churches is finally living up to their obligation to track down and publicly ridicule sinners until they choose to live a life more like my own. If Rebecca doesn’t end her whorish relationship with the man-whore she’s whoring around with, choose to stop her whoremongering lifestyle, take classes at church to help stop her from passing her whorish ways onto her semi-whore children, and speak out against whores and their whoreish acts, it’s likely that she’ll be permanently labeled a whore by her whore-hating church. And she’ll deserve it too, the whore.

Now you all know I love whores. I mean, I really love whores. To me it goes God, then little girls, then whores. Or maybe God, then little girls, then Soul Train, then whores. Either way I’m a huge fan of whores. It takes a lot for me to get behind any person or group of people giving a whore a hard time. I’m sure you all remember that whole “cast the first stone” bit. Yeah, I was tripping pretty hard when I said it, and it’s still a rough spot between Dad and I, but it’s something I’m proud of nonetheless.

But this is different. In this case I’m giving Grace Community Church of Jacksonville, Florida the authority to cast the first stone. Pastor T. Scott Christmas is currently entirely without sin, so it’s perfectly acceptable for him to openly and maliciously mock Rebecca and her children as the whores and the spawn of whores that they are. In fact, we here in Heaven salute him for his courage in doing so. Nothing more perfectly exemplifies God and His love than the application of public torment and shame, especially after one has taken the time to rid one’s self of the weight of personal sin as has Dr. Christmas. It is the greatest gift a man can receive to be the instrument of God. Pastor Christmas will soon take the podium and be His voice against whores! I can only imagine how excited he must be right now!

Ahhh, to be young and among you myself. You have no idea how much I miss interacting personally with whores while in truly corporeal form. If I could I’d show up in Jacksonville, do a few healings, feed some homeless, then jaunt on over to Grace Community to do a little ceremonial ditty about the propriety of throwing stones under these circumstances. Of course after the festivities I’d probably end up back at Rebecca’s place, where I’d council her and ease her anguish before joining the whole neighborhood in killing her adulterous ass in the street under a hail of rocks.

Unfortunately Dad still has me and most of my team grounded after that whole incident with Moses almost getting waterboarded at Guantanamo earlier this year, so we’re just going to sit up here and watch the church do the next best thing instead. Who knows, though, maybe this will catch on. Perhaps in a couple of years, after these public humiliations become common, we’ll finally even have ourselves a good stoning, then maybe within a decade or two we’ll see it being practiced most everywhere again. Heck, I can see an America where you don’t only stone whores like Rebecca in the street, but your children and those who wear polyester/cotton blends as well.

Man, what an age to live in, how wondrous your lives would be, and how plentiful would God’s Grace be pouring from Heaven if you’d just get back to stoning people in the streets again. It can happen, too. Even the ultra-atheist Huffington Post is calling for the righteous killing of some adulterers in America, which tells me that it’s something you have inside you. Let it out! Let God’s love shine through you and the public executions of those who would defy His six-thousand year old laws!

Those are, after all, His very explicit instructions.

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