Pray for brains

Posted by Jesus on February 13, 2008

Loyal reader and devout Christian Fred Chaff forwarded me an article last night that explains a lot. All week long I’ve been getting these weird prayers about kids in a school somewhere in Florida who need help passing tests. Apparently when you pay your teachers squat, teach kids the answers to standardized tests instead of the learning process itself, and give your little princes and princesses everything that they could ever want from the time they’re an embryo, you get stupid children who cannot show basic proficiency to move on to the next grade. While Floridians could hire better teachers, focus more attention on raising intelligent children, or do like Mississippi and simply make the test easier, they have instead chosen the easy route and called on me to deliver a miracle.

From the article:

A group of about 40 churchgoers hopes that God’s power will do what studying has not for the struggling Pine Hills school: raise its state-issued letter grade above the F it received the past two years.

“Once you’ve done all you can do, you put it in the Lord’s hands,” said the Rev. Michael Kimbrough, pastor of Rising Sun Baptist Church in Pine Hills, who is organizing the prayer chain.

Are you kidding me? Once you’ve done all you can do?! Reverend Kimbrough needs to get with the program! If they would do as the Bible says their kids would be the top students in the nation and would stand a far better chance of getting in to Heaven when they perish. As it is many of these kids leave Grade School with enough unforgivable sins on their shoulders to nullify the remainder of their pitiful lives. What do you expect, though, when schools allow women to teach?

The Bible is clear on the matter of education. It is men’s work. If Florida really does want to get the grades up, let them hire a bunch of priests and teach God’s Word, as the Bible commands. Let them teach that Pi equals exactly three and some donkeys talk. Let them stone the children who act up in class and call down God’s wrath upon any student who does not pass the Bible-mandated tests. Let them take over a school system riddled with unnecessary things like science and history (outside of Biblical history, that is), and turn it into a school as designed by God within the Book.

More from the article:

There’s even a special FCAT prayer service March 2 at 3 p.m. at the Evans ninth-grade center that’s open to all. The faithful will pray for good grades but also that the students stay focused and confident.

“God could care less about the FCAT, but he cares about his people,” Kimbrough said. “He cares about what concerns his people.”

Well, I wouldn’t say that God could care less about the FCAT. Given that the FCAT does not have a single question relating to His Law or His Grace or even His Wrath, I’d say God cares a great deal about the test. Whether He cares enough to be angry or vengeful remains to be seen however. Should a freak hurricane strike during the testing process I’d take that as a sign that He cares more than anyone thinks.

I want everyone to stop and think about what these people are doing. They’re praying – asking God for direct and Holy intervention – to help their children get better grades on tests. They’re taking what is essentially the responsibility of the school (and ultimately the parent), and placing the burden on God to concoct a miracle where none is deserved. What’s next? Pray that your kids find a good-looking prom date? Pray that they win the science fair? Pray that their Boy Scout troop is selected to carry the flag at the football game?

This is not what you’re supposed to use the channels for. We keep the lines open so that we can discuss matters of reasonable importance with you, not so we can listen to your every whine about your drugged-up kids failing mandatory tests with no Christian inference to them. If it doesn’t involve Dad or me, don’t pray about it. It’s as simple as that. When you’ve got men teaching, as the Bible demands, and when your curriculum is in line with the Bible’s expectations, then you can call on me for help. Until then, this type of request will be filed appropriately under “don’t care.”

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