Jesus on Whores

Posted by Jesus on March 13, 2008

There’s a lot of talk lately about former governor Eliot Spitzer and his recently-named whore, “Kristen.” Here in Heaven I’m getting innundated with requests to forgive him and questions about the moral consequences of hiring a prostitute, so today I feel compelled to talk a little bit about hooking and whoring in general, and what you, as a Christian, should be feeling as this fascinating story unfolds.

In the interest of openness and full disclosure, I must begin by talking about my own experiences with whores, which are varied and exhaustive. Of course you know that Mary Mags is one of my best friends in Heaven, and even while on Earth was a close companion and trusted friend. There have been many whores in my life, all of whom were beautiful and wonderful in my eyes. Sure, most of them lacked the intelligence and sophistication of a high-dollar call-girl like “Kristen,” but let’s face it – whores are really only about one thing, and intelligence isn’t it.

Being perfect, I of course have never actually had sex with a hooker, or any other person. I know it sounds strange, but I only enjoy hanging around with hookers for the conversation, which usually degrades into a discussion about hair styles or yeast infection cremes pretty quickly. Being an expert in neither, my role is usually that of an active listener. There is no one more interesting when they open up than a long-time whore, especially one who worked with politicians.

Heaven is full of hookers, you see. Ever since Mary and I hit it off I’ve had a real soft spot for girls who have no alternative to selling their bodies. In the strictest sense they’re committing sins in their very struggle to survive, but it’s one sin I’m often willing to overlook. You see, God created you to require certain carnal pleasures, but gave you few resources with which to fulfill those desires. When He planned your individual lives He did not always pair you up with a member of the opposite sex, so as a single Christian many of you must understand that you are unattached because God Himself has chosen for you a life of relative solitude. He left you an out, though. Why else do you think He made my introduction and interaction with Mary Mags so prominent?

Single Christian men are allowed to hire whores. It’s not exactly right, but it’s also not a sin which will get you damned. When we decided to give you the Bible we figured that you’d read it well enough to draw that conclusion, but somehow the message was lost. Your society treats its hookers with contempt and refuses to recognize their importance to God, which is ironically more likely to get you damned to Hell than hiring a half dozen of them for the weekend.

But what about adultery? It’s right there in the Ten Commandments, and hiring a hooker for the night qualifies as adultery, right? Well, that’s the fine print which got left out. As you may have heard, Moses was just a little bit stoned when he received the Ten Commandments from God. He was supposed to have brought a bunch of parchment and some ink with which to scribe an entire set of laws and sublaws, but instead he ascended the mountain with nothing but his wine. He was even naked when he reached the top, something even I break his balls about with some degree of regularity. God went on and on for days about the finer points of His expectations, all the while assuming that Moses was writing everything down. He was a little ticked when Moses read a short version back from a couple of rocks he’d been beating on. God was too busy to repeat Himself though, so when He sent me to Earth He asked that I explain some of the intricacies of the abbreviated Commandments. By the time I met Mary I had enjoyed great success using parables and metaphors to explain such things, and chose to do the same on the topic of whores. Apparently you didn’t get the point.

After today you should understand though. Hookers are there for a reason, else God would just strike them down and afflict their families with boils. Their purpose is to satisfy those who God has chosen to be permanent bachelors, having designed men with needs which cannot be truly fulfilled without women. Preachers, priests, bishops, and the like were never intended to be celibate. Of course they were never intended to fondle little boys either, but that simply illustrates my point. If priests were hiring hookers, as God intended, their God-given desire for sexual release wouldn’t get so pent-up that they would feel the need to spend a little quality time with the altar boys.

As for Eliot Spitzer, he’s going to Hell. The man is married, which means that he already owns the one woman with whom he’s allowed to engage in sexual activities. His renting others is completely immoral and sinful, and is something even the full text of the Ten Commandments, were you to actually see it, also condemns. The whore herself, “Kristen,” has some explaining to do as well, having done some pretty dirty things with an already married man. Her acceptance into Heaven is unlikely, given that she knew he was married at the time, but many of her colleagues are likely to see The Gates when they die.

And it’s a good thing, too. Heaven is currently facing a chronic shortage of really good whores, and the town’s men are growing restless. Paradise just isn’t paradise without beautiful and readily-available women willing to skillfully pleasure you for money.

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