Jesus needs $700 billion dollars

Posted by Jesus on September 29, 2008

Children, Heaven is in dire straits. We have come to rely on your gracious and constant outpouring of large donations to maintain our Holy infrastructure, but offerings have dried up in recent months. Heaven is facing a severe liquidity crisis. We need an immediate $700 billion dollars in tithes or else we face the certain and imminent collapse of many of the systems which keep all of you safe from Satan and his minions.

This crisis really began when Heaven instituted welfare programs such as those which ensure that your sports teams win their championships or that your car makes it that extra few miles when you forget to fill up and didn’t cut spending to older, lesser used outreach programs directed at starving kids or AIDS patients. This has been compounded by Christians praying for far more than you’ve needed and making promises you haven’t been keeping. The result is a system on the verge of implosion, and only a massive injection of your cash can save it now.

This is not the time to cast blame. It is important that we all come together and work towards a unified conclusion which will restore confidence in God and guarantee that Heaven has the resources it needs to continue delivering answers to your prayers. Barack Obama is to blame, though. So just keep that in mind.

Our legislators are working diligently in Heaven to restructure our tithing system, which we all agree needs to address regulatory measures intended to reduce the waste in our miracle distribution system and punitive damages for churches which request more than their fair share of time with the Holy Spirit or who do not generate offertories appropriate to the size of their congregation. Also important in this legislation is that you, the tithe-payer, have the opportunity to recoup any tithe you make above the God-mandated 10% through a prayer-sharing program which holds the individual angelic division responsible for bringing down the miracle-per-dollar ratio you’ve probably all heard of by now. God is confident that with the full financial support of all Christians He will have a Divine Law to sign by the end of the week

I believe I speak for all of Heaven when I tell you that this is the greatest crisis which has ever threatened any particle in the entire universe, ever. The cost of inaction is nothing short of Armageddon. Satan’s army, which you should know is facing none of the liquidity problems plaguing Heaven, will be running rampant in your midst if you don’t cough up $700 billion dollars immediately. Al-Quaeda will undoubtedly take advantage of your weakened protection, as will the Russians and the Chinese. Your very security and lives are at stake, and the only thing you can do to ensure that you are protected is give me a lot of your money.

Donate now, or else.

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