Jesus answers your emails (part 4)

Posted by Jesus on October 23, 2008

Hello true believers! For those of you who have stuck around through my limited updates as I work diligently to see John McCain elected to lead you all closer to Heaven, I would first like to ensure you that I have no intention of leaving you (again), and have a very special surprise waiting for you at the end of your lives. Sure, it’s not all I’d wanted it to be, but for most of you it’ll bring some small measure of solace as you burn for eternity in Hell. In the meantime, I’ve got a few minutes to answer some prayers before I have to go and protect Sarah from lighting up yet another room with her idiocy. Let’s get started!

From: shanon via the Online Confessional
Date: July 12, 2008
Subject: hahaha

great site……love it…

I’m glad I could amuse you, Shanon. Now, if you’d just put down the four-headed dildo, get off the crack, stop stealing, and learn to respect babies a little bit, perhaps you could be amused by the greatest comedian of all time – God Himself.

From: doug <doug@[redacted]>
To: Jesus
Date: August 12, 2008
Subject: Jesus online

lord,
you need a Facebook page.
Can I be your friend?

doug

Well Doug, I do have a facebook page! You can find me here. I don’t spend a lot of time on facebook, seeing as it was founded by and largely populated by people who are going to Hell regardless of anything you or I say or do, but there are a few of you worth saving, so I l try to keep the light on over there. Myspace, however, has no Christian presence whatsoever. If you want to pal around with the most pathetic sinners or just locate a cross-section of the mental degenerates among you, myspace is the place.

Now, as far as being my friend, that’s another story. I’m going to need you to clean up your language and start giving me ten percent of everything you make. You can donate here. Then we can talk.

From: 胡舜仁 <[redacted]@yahoo.com.tw>
To:耶穌
Date: August 29, 2008
Subject: ｛緊要｝無主旨

親愛的耶穌基督：
我實在是受不了我媽媽對我那麼兇，若她再對我那麼兇，那麼我就要精神崩潰了！ 請你救救我！讓我脫離這位嚴厲的媽媽。
您的信徒胡舜仁上

Listen, I’ve already told you to learn English. All Christians speak English.

I’m sorry that I can’t do anything for you with regards to your mother either. You’re going to just have to learn to live with her, as the rest of us have.

And you don’t need a new computer.

From: Erik<erik@[redacted]>
To: Jesus
Date: September 2, 2008
Subject: Advertising proposition regarding www.openjesus.org

We are willing to propose a fixed monthly fee, which will be paid 3 months in advance, for placing our clients’ advertisements on your website.

As an established media agency, [redacted] represents several high profile advertisers who are interested in first-class advertising space. [redacted] has recently started a special campaign to locate quality websites such as yours.

Kind Regards,
Erik
Senior Advertising Consultant

Hi Erik, and thank you for the consideration. At this time openjesus.org is not interested in helping you sell t-shirts or shot glasses or the next social networking site or colas or potato chips or beer or a sports franchise or cocaine. We would, however, like for you to begin sending us ten percent of your profits so that we aren’t required by Heavenly Law to send you to Hell. Thanks!

From: kurt <kurt@[redacted]>
To: Jesus
Date: September 2, 2008
Subject: (no subject)

dear jesus,

i love jesus as a friend.

I love jesus with all my heart.

love,
kurt

Dear Kurt,

Do your parents know you’re online? Have they heard the good news?

Love,
Jesus

From: Justin <justin@[redacted]>
To: Jesus
Date: September 4, 2008
Subject: seriously though…

If you could touch on this though….

Old Testament God…kill fags, Jews, unruly children or whatever. Pretty much just kill em’ all. New Testament God forgive everything including the above. I am confused. Kill em’ or forgive em’ which is it?!?! So, you ARE God. You say forgive them, but say stone them to death for just about everthing. Either God the eternal, everlasting (you/Dad) can just change your mind; or you are just screwing with me. The best that I can figure is that I should stone them to death but forgive them for making me do it. Is that about right or just plain wrong?!?!?

HELP

Thanks a bunch for all that dying and stuff.

It’s a lot easier than you think, Justin. The Old Testament is right when it says that you should kill fags, children, and anyone who doesn’t keep God’s Law. The New Testament is also right in suggesting that you should always forgive whores. At no point did I ever say anything about forgiving everyone and anyone while I was there, and anything suggesting otherwise is probably just some priest somewhere with comprehension issues. I even went out and found a whore to forgive in front of everyone to prove my point.

That being said, you should also practice the idea of “love the sinner, but hate the sin.” This means that you should, in fact, forgive everyone for everything, no matter how terrible the act or thought. Because you were all created in God’s image, you should love and respect all people regardless of how much reciprocate love and respect they show to you or those around them. That’s loving the sinner.

But kill them quickly, and make sure they understand that it’s not their fault. That’s hating the sin.

From: Dave via the Online Confessional
Date: October 21, 2008
Subject: Damn Jesus

Why are you such a god damn asshole. You stiffle every action I take and delight in my frustration and loss.  You take from me and laugh about it. I the race I run in life, you continually throw sand at my feet.  you are a worthless scumbag piece of shit god!!

Hehehe, I know. You bring it on yourself though.

From: Ben <[redacted]@gmail.com>
To: Jesus
Date: October 22, 2008
Subject: my dear jesus

How are you? I am very sorry to bother you but I wondered if you’d be able to put me in touch with your father for I have a question for him. However in the good book (bible) I was told that you are one in the same, the holy trinity. You are the son, the father and the holy spirit. So could I just ask you?

Many thanks

Ben

Hi Ben, and thanks for writing. I’ve sent your request up to Dad, but between you and me I wouldn’t expect much. He’s really busy swinging around in His jungle these days, delighting in the little things, like wrath, cruelty, and dining with Ronald Reagan. Assuming you don’t get a response from Him, please feel free to use the Online Confessional to make requests or lay bare your soul. If you happen to be a gorgeous lesbian lingerie model who takes on the persona of Ben online in order to assert your masculine side, which is otherwise suppressed by your dominatrix investment-banker Internet porn superstar life partner, then you’ll probably need to double up on the laying bare of your soul, and will definitely need to include visual aides.

As for the Trinity thing, I’ve got Moses putting together a great writeup that will help you understand it better. He’s on a mountain tripping balls with it at this very moment. Has been for months. The short version is this: God is a monkey, I’m just a guy like you (unless you’re a lesbian lingerie model blah blah blah), and the Holy Spirit travels the world with her donkey. We’re the same though. Kinda.

From: Patricia via the Online Confessional
Date: October 6, 2008
Subject: Sarah Palin isn’t a real Christian!

I am so upset I just don’t know what to do. I saw some loud mouth on MSNBC (Keith??)–he was going step by step of all of Sarah Palin’s background. She has an African witchdoctor as her mentor. This man had 200 people in Africa threaten this woman’s life and run her out of town. Why? Because she’s a witch?? I am catholic (raised there) and I am also Baptist (my husband’s
church). These church’s don’t have witch doctors. PLUS this man (Keith) named a bunch of LIE that Palin has said. It is a sin “THOUGH SHALT NOT LIE!!!!!”

What can I do–I know to pray but I’m confused. Were we misled about Palin??

Thanks for your help!

Pat in Denver

Ok, that’s a little too real.

Related Posts

• Jesus answers your emails
• Jesus answers your emails (part 6)
• Jesus answers your emails (part 2)
• The Jesus FAQ
• Jesus answers your emails (part 5)
• Jesus answers your emails (part 3)
• The Holy Spirit, she is in trouble