Jesus answers your emails (part 3)

Posted by Jesus on July 21, 2008

Welcome, true believers. It’s time once again for a little bit of feedback aimed directly at some of you who have been stalwart enough to send me your prayers via email. I know it can’t be easy for you to look past the methods you’ve been using to talk to me for the large majority of your lives and adopt something so new and seemingly unholy as email, but that’s exactly the sort of thing Christians went through when you learned that you would no longer require the Pope to communicate with Heaven. We do our best to adapt. I appreciate your doing the same. Now, on to your emails!

From: thresphine <thresphine@[redacted]>
To: jesus@openjesus.org
Date: July 6, 2008
Subject: Thank u

today i am so happy jesus . thank u so much …

for ur blessing thank u jesus.

today is mu birthday……

I love Birthdays. They make a person feel special, if only for 0.3% of the year. You should all feel special all the time, but most of you choose to live without God’s love, only opening yourself up to it on your Birthdays. It’s okay though. I did the same thing when I was on Earth until I was about 19. Maybe you’ll come around and be happy every day too when you finally realize that your every waking moment is only a waking moment because God has chosen not to smite you already and drag your lifeless, broken, corpse back into the ground so that He can judge you on your actions.

From: Justin <Justin@[redacted]>
To: jesus@openjesus.org
Date: June 27, 2008
Subject: George Carlin

J.C.

Just wondering what the status of the newly bereft of life George Carlin is. Is he headed up or down?

Peace,
Justin

P.S. Thanks a bunch for all the suffering and dying and stuff.

George Carlin did indeed make it to Heaven after he died, at least temporarily. We gave him two weeks to rest and prepare, then put him on the big stage at the Heaven City Theater for a one-night only show. Mary Mags and I dressed in our very best and joined the elite in the audience that night. Carlin was his usual self, performing a seventy-four hour set solely about the idiocy and hypocrisy of Dad and His followers. It was actually pretty funny, especially coming from a guy who was escorted directly to Hell immediately following his final show. The papers here make it out to be the greatest standup routine Heaven has ever seen, but I still don’t think it held a candle to Sam Kinison’s pre-damnation show.

From: Bill <bill@[redacted]>
To: jesus@openjesus.org
Date: June 15, 2008
Subject: What is your dad up to in Iowa?

Praise be to the lord!

However,… can you please tell me, why is it that good folk like Jamie Jones and her nine children, good god-fearing folk, are being flooded out of their homes in Cedar Rapids by your dad?
Refer to the following video on the heathen news networks:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/25136780#25136780

Why?, Why?, WHY?!

Is it true that fags are to blame for the flooding? Is this punishment for Iowa allowing gay marriage for two whole godless days in 2007?

Bless the Lord!

Hi Bill, thanks for noticing God at work in your life. Really, the biggest reason things like the floods in Iowa, crane collapses, economic meltdowns, or even individual pimples on the side of your nose happen at all is because God wants them to. His reasons are varied and sometimes make sense only to Him, but it’s sufficient to say that from your end He does it just to see if you really do notice at all. Every time a family is flooded or burned from their homes it is a test to see how they will react. Those who come directly to God asking for forgiveness and mercy are a lot more likely to get their lives back on track than those who put down sandbags and ask the same questions of their elected representatives. I mean, when was the last time you saw a City Council member with the power to swell the banks of the Mississippi? Of course it’s God flooding you all, and to Him you all must turn for salvation!

That being said, one can make the argument that fags are also partly to blame for the flooding. If you’d go back to hating them and doing everything in your power to ensure that they live in the shadows of your society, scared and ashamed of what they are and what they do with one another’s butts, then you might see a lot less disaster befalling you. I’m glad to see that at least you’re still paying attention, Bill. Maybe you can help Jamie Jones and her nine children see the light too. Maybe that’s your test in all of this…

Larry <larry@[redacted]>
To: jesus@openjesus.org
Date: July 10, 2008
Subject: The loaves and fishes thing — how did you do that?

Almighty one –

You recall (obviously, being all knowing) that you mentioned me in a blog item on March 28 about the eternal if-then statement, for which I am grateful. As you know, of course.

And as you know, at the Felton Presbyterian Church starting Sunday, we are kicking off Lindependence 2008 (http://www.lindependence.net), where we are going to introduce GNU/Linux and FOSS to the people of my town, Felton, California.

Now while I have made arrangements and have folks representing distros and FOSS programs with their live CDs, their thumb drives, and swag at the ready, one recurring thought is that I may not have enough of the items to give to everyone who attends — wishful thinking on my part, perhaps, that this many people will attend, but I digress.

But if this does happen, just how did you pull off that loaves-and-fishes thing, and do you think the same can be done for FOSS programs (not to suggest that I could do it, not being as, um, powerful and omniscient as you, but still — a pointer or two might help)?

Your faithful servant.

Well Larry, I’ve got good news and bad news. Actually, it’s more bad news than good news, but there’s still some good news in there somewhere. First, the bad news. Or more specifically, the first part of the bad news.

I’m not going to be able to tell you how I did the loaves and fishes thing. I was the only person in history to be able to do that, and it’s one of the reasons that people believe I am who I say I am. If I told you how to do the same thing, whether it was with fish, bread, beer, or Open Source Linux distros, then I would be opening myself up to all sorts of fraud claims, and we both know that as the one true Jesus Christ of Nazareth the last thing I need are people who believe this blog is fake or in bad taste. In order to safeguard my trade secrets, which I believe are necessary toward assisting in the salvation of mankind, I simply cannot help you perform a miracle with your software.

The second part of the bad news is that whatever you do, it won’t matter. Sure, you may convert a few people to Open Source software, and you may even convince a couple of them that FOSS software is the first step to a better understanding of me and, thus, an opportunity to put their lives on a track which may see them in Heaven, but it still won’t matter. You and I both know that no one from California is going to Heaven anyway.

Now for the good news. I have it on very good authority that there is a device called a CD Burner available in your state. I myself have not seen one, but my understanding is that this device will allow you to make as many copies of disks as you please. I cannot comprehend how God allowed such a thing to exist, as it comes very close to mimicing my miracle with the loaves anf fishes, but from what I understand anyone who wants one can own one at a pretty low cost. Heck, you may have one already! I would just be very careful about how it’s used, and I’d make sure to ask for a measure of forgiveness every time you toast a disk as well. We both know how touchy these things can be. It’s a slippery slope, you know?

From: shanon <shanon@[redacted]>
To: jesus@openjesus.org
Date: July 12, 2008
Subject:    hahaha OpenJesus.org Online Confessional

great site……love it…

Thank you Shanon. I love you too. You see, God’s warmth and blessings flow down from Heaven in ways that you may never understand or comprehend, but which should be embraced all the same. This website is one of those ways, and your discovering it is truly a gift from the Almighty Himself. May you find comfort in the words here in your times of need, and may you always have a place to come and reveal your deepest and darkest secrets, including any girl-on-girl encounters or dirty fantasies. Just type them into the Online Confessional in first-person story format, and don’t be shy about the details. I forgive all, but only if you’re willing to bare your hot, filthy soul.

And that goes for all of you. If you’d like to hear directly from me, Jesus Christ of Nazareth, all you must do is contact me. I generally do not reply directly to your questions in email or vocal form (unless you’re the President of the United States or order a t-shirt), but I may be inclined to answer them here if they pose significant enough points that a response might benefit all of humanity.

Related Posts

• Jesus answers your emails
• Jesus answers your emails (part 6)
• Jesus answers your emails (part 2)
• The Jesus FAQ
• Jesus answers your emails (part 5)
• The Holy Spirit, she is in trouble
• Jesus answers your emails (part 7)