Jesus answers your emails (part 2)

Posted by Jesus on May 28, 2008

There are so many wonderful things about being the Son of the Creator God that sometimes even I become overwhelmed. I wake up every morning in the most perfect place ever created, surrounded in my acre-wide bed by dozens of my closest followers, only to go to work serving you, God’s amazing and much-loved creation. You would not believe the number of prayers I hear every day either. I have no greater joy in my life than listening and occasionally responding to your requests, or at least the ones which don’t involve your sports teams, the grades you kids are getting, or nailing your cute cousin. My favorite days are those which find me directly engaged in your lives, which to be honest don’t come around as often since my services are in such high demand in Iraq. Today is going to be a good day though. Today I’m answering your emails.

From: Michael <mike@[redacted]>
To: Jesus Christ <jesus@openjesus.org>
Date: May 28, 2008
subject: Guest Columns

With all this war going on, you need a guest column from the Archangel Michael.

I know! I’ve been trying to talk Dad into letting me get something like that set up, but He’s convinced that we’ll reveal important information to Satan, who could then use it to offset the 80-to-1 kill ratio the Marines are currently running. I keep trying to explain to Him that allowing our brave angelic soldiers to tell their tales would lead to a massive increase in traffic to my Heavenly Blog, which I could then use to help the Army recruiting effort, but He’s old-fashioned in the way He kills muslims. “Stick to the basics,” He keeps saying. “Find yourself a King with an army and fight your way to Constantinople.” Sometimes I wonder if we really are from the same Trinity.

From: Eli <elih@[redacted]>
To: jesus@openjesus.org
Date: May 22, 2008
Subject: amazed

Dear Sole Son of God,

Hey there. How’s heaven? Say hi to your dad for me. He seems like he’s been a lot cooler since the Old Testament days.

Anyhow, I can’t tell if this website is the single greatest work of comic genius I have ever seen, or if it’s for real. Either way, keep it up.

Hi Eli! God says hello too, and He’s asked me to pass along His desire to see you dedicate more time to your art. To answer your question, God is the same as He was in the Old Testament. He just doesn’t personally get as involved in your lives as He used to, which makes it seem like He’s a much more merciful God. The folks in Burma certainly wouldn’t agree with you though.

I guess since you can say that God created everything, and since comic genius is included in everything, that God created comic genius. I don’t know this for a fact, but I wouldn’t be surprised at all if He imparted unto me the single greatest sense of humor the universe will ever know. There were times when I was on Earth that being able to laugh at the fact that I had been sent into the world solely to die in the most atrocious and painful manner available at the time was all that kept me going. That being said, this is very real. And you really should stop touching yourself like that.

From: Jan <jan@[redacted]>
To: jesus@openjesus.org
Date: May 16, 2008
Subject: be afraid

Now, go ahead and be very afraid. Mocking God will wither your conscience until you become insane.

First, I was a little space dust floating on the cloud of consciousness and cricket-flavored whiffle ball. We all took a little bit and passed it on to be thought about by the greatest among us, who would also be on fire. It was because of this speech that Jackson was able to take on the Central Bank, guaranteeing purple and digitally-altered smoke in the sky, but only when it rained on Thursday. Then, when the buttons pushed back we fled into the straight and narrow, picking up a keg on the turn. Nah, I’m just kidding. I’m not insane yet. But I do miss the hell out of playing golf.

From: Justin <Justin@[redacted]>
To: jesus@openjesus.org
Date: May 7, 2008
Subject: none

J.C. Where have you been? Your worldy servants wait patiently for you words of wisdom. Hopefully, there have been no major calamities there in the etheral plains.

P.S. Thanks, a bunch for all that suffering and dying and stuff. Oh, and this web-site.

First of all I really appreciate your appreciation. So many of you down there seem to take my death for granted these days. It just gets old, you know, people asking for stupid things like winning lottery tickets or cheaper gas. It just isn’t going to happen, and no amount of begging is going to change that. It’s not as if I went to my death to ensure your economic stability in the world. Though sometimes I do wonder…

In any case, my recent absence has been almost entirely due to the most important sporting event in the universe, the Stanley Cup Playoffs. You might be surprised to learn this, but Heaven and Hell use the NHL to wage almost constant proxy war with one another. Satan and his minions dedicate their vast evil resources to control of a single team, the Red Wings, and I do what I can to help those teams not stacked with demon-possessed agents of doom. We pretty much had Satan in a corner with the last series turning in favor of Dallas, but then Mary screwed everything up and we got caught in a flank.

From: ???
To: ???
Date: May 21, 2008
Subject: ?????????

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Look, here’s the problem. Since the dawn of mankind not one Chinese person has ever made it into Heaven, so…well, I’m embarrassed to say this, but we don’t have anyone up here who can translate this. The best we’ve got is an old missionary who once went to a Chinese prison for trying to spread the Word of God in the middle of traffic outside the Communist Party Headquarters - which I might add was something she had been directly commanded by God to do - and she thinks it says something about wanting to get a fiber optic internet connection at his mom’s house. Now I’m going to try to help this guy out this once, but in the future we’re going to need to remind everyone that the official language of white Americanized Jesus is English. Thank you all for your compliance.

So that’s it. I’ve had some interesting emails lately. It’s great to be able to take these emails from my flock and use them to further instruct you in becoming more like me, thus enhancing your lives and increasing your likelihood of ascending to Heaven when you die.

In closing tonight I’d like to say two things. Scott McClellan has sold his soul to the Devil, and how about those Penguins!

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