Jesus and guns

Posted by Jesus on February 27, 2008

One of the most common questions I’m asked following a tragic shooting, besides the usual “why” and “how could you let this happen,” is my own personal stance on guns. Christians and non-Christians alike call on me to settle the debate over whether or not guns should be allowed in the hands of citizens following any firearm-related incident, many of whom claim to know what my answer might be without really waiting for a response. Today I intend to settle the debate once and for all by giving you all my philosophy on firearms.

As you may remember, I spent a great deal of my life on the road. My friends and I were always walking somewhere to do one deed or another, which made us ripe targets for vagabonds, bandits, and even animals. Although it was never made clear in the Bible, I carried a really kickass stick with me when I traveled, as did a few of my disciples. Others owned swords, bows, or spears. There were occasions on which these implements of death were drawn, most often against dumb creatures looking for dried meat or other scraps. There were only a few scuffles with fellow travelers, all of which were put down easily. Let’s just say that as the Son of God, there weren’t many on Earth with Kung-Fu as strong as mine.

For many years I used my wits and my strength to survive in the harsh wilderness, fending off all who would do me harm with my stick and God’s help. When the time came for me to relieve myself of arms and surrender to my fate, I left my stick where it fell and gave myself over to torture and death at the hands of the Romans. Of course you know how that went, so I won’t bore you with further details about that. The important thing to note is that I did not live a life of complete passivity. There were times in my life, as there are times in many of yours, when people or animals looked upon me as a victim, or even worse, a meal.

Even Mary Mags armed herself with a dagger, and let me just say for the record that she was really good with that blade. By the time I came upon her, surrounded by men who lusted for her death, she had fought herself to exhaustion and had finally resigned herself to die in the midst of wave after wave of her fellow sinners. Had she not fought back so valiantly and for so long, she would certainly have been dead by the time I arrived. The Bible does describe what I said to talk the men around her down, but what it left out was the combat stances I and my companions had taken up around the exhausted Mary. My “he who is without sin” speech probably would not have worked that day had we not been so obviously prepared to whip some ass to back it up.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that there’s nothing wrong with defending yourself, unless of course you are called upon by God to give yourself up to death. There’s a great deal of precedent on the matter as well. St. Thomas Aquinas discussed in the Second Part of the Second Part of the Summa Theologica, Question 64, Article 7 whether or not it is lawful to kill a man in self-defense. He came to the conclusion that some acts have more than one effect, and that if the primary effect of one’s self-defense action is to save one’s self, then the other effect of slaying one’s attacker is justified, as it is not the intended effect. Simply put, if you react to a threat with deadly force in order to survive, then your use of deadly force is counted as a secondary result of your attempt at survival. Therefore self-defense is justifiable, because it’s not really killing.

Look at Iraq, for example. If you all hadn’t started the bombing campaign, and if you hadn’t sent so many soldiers over to kill so many terrorists, then there would be no doubt whatsoever that every American on Earth would be dead right now. Your intended action was not to kill muslims or to destabilize the region or depose a ruler, but rather to defend yourself. Everything else came a result of your duty to continue being, as Aquinas puts it, for as long as you can.

But what of guns today? Certainly when I roamed the streets in my time there were no guns. Killing your fellow man was serious work, not nearly so simple as it is today. In my day you had to get close, within striking distance, and set your skills in action against those of your opponent. When you put the knife in them you saw the surprise in their eyes. When you ruptured their scrotum with your stick you saw the pain cause their entire body to tense up. When you killed a man in my time there was always the strong possibility that you would also be killed by him.

Guns make killing so much easier. You can stand a thousand feet away, well out of stick range, and murder dozens on a whim. You can storm lecture halls with impunity and hold banks as your own indefinitely. What do you think would happen if you tried to take hostages with a stick today?

It is true, guns make murder easier, but that alone is no excuse to remove them from society. The same can be said of cannons when all that was previously available were swords. The same can be said of swords when all that was previously available were sticks. The same can be said of sticks when all that was previously available were fists.

Today people are faced with the same problems I was when I was on Earth. You have vagabonds, bandits, and even animals who are armed and capable of doing you harm. Why not defend yourself, and why not do so with the same level of sophistication as your possible assailants? You’re not the Son of God, after all. Your Kung-Fu is weak.

Most of us here in Heaven are gun people. Just as God has decreed that all people of Israel be armed and prepared to fight, so must those who visit Earth. Our envoys and Angels go heavy, carrying modern technology on everything from scouting runs to full assaults. The Holy Spirit travels with an entourage of Angels complete with everything from swords to close-range artillery. In order to even visit Earth one must complete a course in self-defense, which naturally includes a module on firearm tactics.

Moses is the one exception to the rule. When he visits Earth he does so armed only with his ancient and venerable staff. He is quite unique in his abilities, though. Who else do you know who can cause his staff to turn into a serpent when thrown to the ground? Moreover, Moses can literally dodge anything with any degree of humidity to it. Bullets or fists flying through the air invariably pick up some moisture, which Moses can simply part around himself.

As for me, I’m a pretty humble Son of God. For the last 50 years or so there has only been one gun I fall back on, the old and trusty black rifle. That’s right, Jesus packs an AR-15. I don’t often return to your world today, but when I do I come accompanied by a short-barreled rifle hidden comfortably in my robes. I’ve only had to draw it once, when I was visiting my dear friend David in Waco and the walls started coming down around us. I was glad to have it then, and would not consider being without it today.

So hopefully this puts a lid on the heated discussion of whether or not I support the personal ownership of guns. If I were against self defense you wouldn’t have any chance at all of getting in to Heaven, as I would certainly have died when I was 11 and that group of bandits tore through our neighborhood. Joseph and I stood firm alongside a few neighbors and protected the women, but those who chose not to fight were slaughtered in their doorways.

The world hasn’t really changed all that much since I was a kid. The bandits today all have now, and you should too.

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