It’s not a church shooting if it’s not a real church

Posted by Jesus on July 28, 2008

I’ve been getting prayers from people non stop since that guy walked into the Uniterian Universalist Unitard Unisex Unicard church and killed those two poor, misguided heathens. I wasn’t going to say anything about it, becuase it’s really no different than a guy walking into a crack house and shooting two innocent people, but since you all won’t seem to leave me alone I figure I’ve got to do my Jesus-ly duties and give you Heaven’s official position on the matter.

Jim Adkisson, the guy who did the shooting, is going to Hell. Greg McKendry, who shielded others from being shot and thus became one of the victims, is also going to Hell. Linda Kraeger, a woman who was also shot and killed, is also going to Hell. Of the two hundred people watching the production of Annie, all of them are going to Hell. All twenty-five kids performing Annie are all going to Hell too, although one of them could still squeak into Heaven if he shapes up and lives an absolutely flawless life from here out. The staff, friends of the staff, and families of the staff of the “church” are all also going to Hell. In fact, the closest person to anyone in any manner, shape, or form attached to any little thing that has the slightest bit to do with the “church” who is actually going to Heaven is a woman in Botswana who was on a bus with the grandson of a man who dated a woman who once knew the father of the guy running the sound board’s sister’s best friend’s cousin’s high school sweetheart’s band’s drummer. And even she is sort of questionable.

If this were a real church it would be one thing. God doesn’t look too kindly on people shooting up churches unless He sends them there Himself to shoot them up. In this case it was just a bunch of people without the faith necessary to believe in the real God and who actually believe in such unchristian things as fags having rights and women speaking aloud in public, so there was no real harm done. God had actually been thinking about sending someone in to mess one of those places up anyway.

Then again, to those of us who recognize that nothing ever happens without God’s blessing, perhaps this event actually was God sending Jim Adkisson to do His bidding. In fact, without having actually talked to Him about it yet, I’d wager that it’s a fair bit more likely that God was behind this shooting than any random act of violence or evil demon. Heck, the guy did even talk about how much he hated liberals. That sounds plenty like God to me. When examined in that light, it’s really not all that surprising anymore. A bunch of heathens sitting around watching a secular play on the Day of Rest, and in walks a man with a shotgun. Man, come to think of it, that sounds exactly like Dad.

If I were you I wouldn’t be going to a non Christian church next week. Just to be on the safe side, ya know?

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