Hussein Obama - is he the guy?

Posted by Jesus on June 4, 2008

If you haven’t heard already, you’ll know before the day is out: Barack Hussein Obama is the presumptive Democratic nominee, and will almost certainly face off against John McCain in the 2008 Presidential election. There are a lot of you praying in right now asking how and why this could happen, and I’m sure there will be a lot more of you with questions as you emerge from your American Idol or Lost hangovers to discover that there isn’t a major candidate in the race who actually stands for God’s values. But what is a good Christian to do?

First of all, I want you all to know that it actually could be worse - Hillary could be the Democratic nominee. God has very strict rules about the roles and responsibilities of women, most of which date back several thousand years and none of which come close to allowing a woman to be President. In fact, they shouldn’t be Senators, priests, teachers, managers, officers, pilots, athletes, councilmen, writers, trainers, lecturers, or business owners either. In His infinite wisdom, however, Dad has allowed you to ignore these restrictions in the past, but at great peril. There likely won’t be but a handful of women who actually make it to Heaven from now to the end of eternity, so as time goes on it’s going to turn into an even bigger sausage-fest up here. He drew the line at President though. No matter how hard any of you try, Hillary will never under any circumstances be allowed by God to hold that office. It is simply too important to His plans to let a woman run it.

But then we never really had to worry about real Christians voting for Hillary, now did we? Those of you who know God already understand that doing so is a surefire way to get sent to Hell. What many of you probably didn’t know is that a vote for Obama is virtually the same sentence. His views on abortion, the separation of church and state, and even women are all at odds with God’s own stated positions. Still, we’re a lot more forgiving of people who voted for Obama than those who voted for Clinton. At least with him you’re voting for a man.

So what is a Christian to do? We all know that America is in a tough spot right now, with wars and conflicts over resources cropping up around the world. We all know that America is on the brink of social bankruptcy. We all know that the the notion of family is under assault in the USA. We all understand that it’s bad all over, but what can a single person do to fix it? You’re going to hear all summer about how your vote is the answer. Well, I’m here to tell you that your vote will change nothing. You don’t matter. Your votes don’t matter. They’ll be counted by machines which predetermine the winner based on how much cash the winning campaign spends to buy the election, which will of course have been determined by God long before the universe even existed. He already has the winner chosen, and nothing you can do will change that.

But you can help. Your life does have significance. There is much that you can do to make the world a better place, where people like Barack Hussein Obama don’t have the kind of political clout we see today. The most useful thing you can do right now to help the USA is join the Marines.

That’s right, I said join the Marines. The few, the proud, the brave. The tip of the spear. If a million Christians signed up for the Marines, we could have you in Iraq before November elections. A million Christian Marines could sort that place out, convert a huge portion of their citizens to Christianity, and come home before the elections. Then, instead of choosing between a bunch of liberal supporters of Satan, we could bring in a real Christian Conservative to lead the country back to God. No Hillary Clinton, no Barrack Hussein Obama, and certainly no John McCain.

I love the smell of politics in the morning. Smells like…damnation.

Related Posts

• Obama wants kindergarteners to learn sex
• Fellow Barack Obama churchgoer mocks atheist!
• Why John McCain must win
• Your Voice, Your Vote, God’s Wrath
• Mmmmmm…Chocolate Jesus
• Hillary pretends she has faith too
• Jesus needs $700 billion dollars