God grant us gas
Posted by Jesus on July 29, 2008
Are you feeling it yet? Are the high gas prices finally getting your attention? I hear from a lot of these days. “Jesus, please make gas cheaper; Jesus, oil costs too much; Jesus, I need a new car.” You’re even gathering at gas stations to thank God for the recent dip in prices. It’s not that we’re not hearing you down there, it’s that we know all about the gas prices, and we really don’t intend to let them fall just yet. Getting together and praising God is a heck of a good start to convincing God that you’re willing to change though.
You see, Dad is pretty mad at you right now. He’s got his hands full with Crusades on two fronts, the Olympics are coming up, you’re turning into ancient Rome with your debauchery and your corruption, and now God has to put up with not only your incessant need to steep in your own sinful manure, but you actually have the gall to whine about it!
From the article:
Participants say they plan to buy gas, pray and then sing “We Shall Overcome” with a new verse, “We’ll have lower gas prices.”
An activist from the Washington D.C. area, Rocky Twyman, started the effort, saying if politicians couldn’t lower gas prices, it was time to ask God to intervene.
Are you kidding me?! You’re going to sing we’ll have lower gas prices to the tune of “We Shall Overcome?!” Do you want God to smite the lot of you? Are you trying to see how far you can push Him? Three of the people singing have unrepented 
adultery on their record, and you’re going to stand around and butcher one of God’s favorite songs?!
Let me tell you all how you can help. You can get on the bandwagon. I want to see butts in the pews on Saturday mornings, Wednesday nights, and every other Thursday. I want sermons that are at least two hours in length and rely heavily on scripture. I want first Monday lock-ins, youth outreach programs, political lobbying, lawsuits, and an abstinence-only policy taught and enforced by a new arm of the government called the Department of God. I want stonings in the streets, quiet women, and obedient wives.
Almost all of you have a Bible in your house. Read it. Live it. Then we’ll talk about your gas prices.
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Drom said,
Gas is now down to $3.77 here in NH. Thank you Jesus! I knew you and Dad would have a change of heart.
Hump
Justin said,
I miss you much jesus. I come here often but have not heard from you in over a month. Frankly, I am very very drunk but none the less long for your words of wisdom. It appears that Pat Robertson’s sanity has returned. He hates Liberals, fags and Muslims just as much as ever judging by his morning broadcast; thank you Jesus. God love that man for doing the lord’s work. If only Jerry were alive to back him up but the lord works in mysterious ways.
Drom said,
I fear Jesus has died. I’m guessing tetanus. Those nails didn’t look all that sterile.
If He doesn’t do another one of his ressurection / zombie routines pretty soon, I may have to go out and look for a new Man-God to worship. It’s not like He was the only one.
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