Five things I love about Rick Warren

Posted by Jerry Falwell on December 21, 2008

My friends, it has been some time since I’ve spoken with you. God keeps me busy here in Heaven, so  I often miss chances to come and tell you of the wonderful things He has planned for you. I’ve been particularly busy mentoring an up-and-coming warrior in the morality fight, my good friend Pastor Rick Warren. God knows this man’s heart, and has deemed him worthy to carry forth His flag in the public eye. I’ve learned some things about him too over these few months. I’ve come to love and respect Rick, both as a man and as a voice for God. You’re going to hear Heaven talk a lot about him over the next few years, and today I want to open that dialogue with a few pertinent facts about Rick.

1. He has a 40-day path to Heaven. No one has lined up the hoops before like Rick. Of course his method doesn’t often lead to long-term Christian transformations and hasn’t helped anyone actually get to Heaven yet, but it’s a great blueprint for raising up large armies quickly to tackle things like Proposition 8. Imagine what he’ll be able to do with a 40-day army at the right hand of Barack Hussein Obama. Before the liberals even see what’s happening you could have a Constitutional Amendment banning gay marriage.

2. He completely and unequivocally hates fags. Of course this is nothing new among Christians, but what makes Rick so special is that he can say he hates homosexuals in such a way that he almost sounds tolerant. This is more important than ever now that weak, atheist Democrats who are willing to give ground to reach compromises are in office. Warren’s uncanny ability to reach out to liberals and atheists will pay dividends in the years to come.

3. He recognizes the rights of comatose people. Remember Terri Schiavo? She’s in Heaven now, thanks to her husband and his band of merry murderers. Pastor Rick Warren once compared them to Nazis, which if I’m not mistaken is the exact same line Jesus used in his speech following her arrival parade.

4. He likes gravy. It’s hard for me not to like a guy who shares my love of gravy. Good Christians appreciate good gravies.

5. He literally owns a “Refinery” which churns out copycat Christian children. Rick is not only the pastor of a California megachurch, he also runs middle school and high school ministries with more than a thousand students. The secret to change is getting them while they’re young, he says. Heaven agrees.

Working for God is amazing, my friends. You would never have imagined His allowing a terrorist-loving, Muslim, atheist, bisexual foreigner to hold the office of President. Then comes Pastor Warren to advise the spineless liberals and His Plan starts to unfold in front of you like a beautiful sirloin wrapped in bacon and smothered in gristle. Rick Warren is the centerpiece of God’s endgame. Rick Warren will lead you all to a better America, free from abortions, homosexuality, back-talking children, and science. And you, my friends, will be there to see him do it.

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