Dead List 2008: Damned, but not forgotten

Posted by Jesus on December 17, 2008

The holiday season is always difficult in Heaven, for it is in the month of December that most of you do your most egregious sinning. You worship idols such as Mithra, Osiris, and Saturn, barely aware of your transgressions due to your perpetual haze of self-induced ignorance. Yes, it is the Christmas season which brings out the worst in you, so it is in this season that I have chosen to bring you an exclusive presentation, something you’ll only find here on openjesus.org!

Moses, me, and the multimedia team over at Heavendustrial Light and Miracles conjured this up after seeing a similar video produced by one of your television stations. I wanted to showcase some of those who left you for the burning abyss of Hell during 2008 as a means of helping some of you see the error of their pitiful lives. Besides, one of the Wise Men gave me a copy of Premiere for my birthday a couple of years back and has been bugging me to do something with it.

Isn’t that moving? I know it looks very touching, and that some of us will sincerely miss Rudy Ray — I know I will — but it’s important to recognize that all of these people are damned, which means they’re going to burn for all eternity in the worst place imaginable. They and most other people you look up to are merely vessels for Satan, carrying the souls of you and your children on their overmerchandised personas.

So the next time you think you’re going to be like Bettie and strip naked for that photographer and his little bag of happy hippie grass this video might cause you to think again. If not, well, it just means you won’t be getting in the way of my tee-times up here in Heaven, so that’s not so bad either.

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