Anal sex

Posted by Jesus on May 9, 2008

It’s Friday night. You’re just wrapping up your fifth date with a pretty redhead, and you’ve been invited to her place again. You sneak quietly through the living room, being careful so as not to wake her parents. You get to her room at the end of the hall, where she lights a scented candle and puts on a Ben Harper CD. You talk about how much fun you had playing miniature golf or where you want to go over the summer, and somehow or another during your conversation most of your clothes end up on the floor. But before you can finish your declaration that dalmatians are better than poodles, she leans in close and whispers something new in your ear: I’m feeling naughty, want to put it in my butt?

Don’t be alarmed. It happens to most men at some point in their lives. Years ago anal sex was limited to fags, muslims, and Romans, but for some strange reason it has come to represent an enormous volume of sin in the United States of America. Universities, housing projects, San Francisco, and even rich neighborhoods and retirement communities are awash in the practice. Everywhere I look anymore someone wants to put their penis in someone else’s ass. It’s getting so I can’t even watch trailer park theatre anymore without seeing some redneck try to keep his next-door neighbor from bearing his bastard seed by plugging her exit hole. It’s wrong, and it’s not going to be tolerated anymore. Not that it was ever tolerated before, but it’s only recently become pandemic. It’s time we address the problem as one voice, God’s Christian Soldiers speaking in unison about the filthy practice of anal sex. It has to end so that we can get back on task of ending the larger problem, fags.

Why do you think poo smells as bad as it does? Don’t you think that God could have made it smell like blueberry muffins in a basket of baby-powder-coated wildflowers? There’s a reason your fecal matter is so repugnant. God designed you with a refuse hole, but knowing your inquisitive nature chose to make its eliminate as filthy as possible. He figured you’d know better than to put fingers, balls, rubber toys, vibrating plastic sticks, and certainly your tongue into a hole which produced such a foul product. But you got past that, didn’t you?

I credit the rise in anal sex to the development of newer, slicker lubricants. Back in the day you had to use spit or grease, but inventions such as Crisco and KY Jelly changed all that. Now the modern American home has several dozen food-quality substances one can use to add some slick to their stick. The fact that the anus produces no natural sexual lubricants should be your first clue that this is not proper Christian behavior. If the butt was meant to be penetrated it would behave much like the vagina. You do believe God is perfect, don’t you? Why would He overlook a detail like that?

We all know that fags are going to Hell, but there’s no reason for fine, upstanding straight couples to do something so obscene as to damn themselves to the everlasting torment of being rectally probed by a front-end loader in Hell. Anal sex is a sin of such a vile class that Satan has a whole team of torture engineers dreaming up new and devastating ways to punish you for even considering it. So later tonight, when that redhead whispers in your ear, you’ll know how to react: stand up calmly, dress yourself, and produce your Bible. There’s a whore that needs fixing.

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