All Samuel Adams employees are going to Heaven!

Posted by Jesus on February 17, 2008

I’m not going to lie to you. I love to drink. Wine, beer, vodka, it doesn’t matter. Drinking is something I picked up from Dad. Ever wonder why sometimes He burned the hippies and sometimes He sent down an angel to chat with them? That’s the difference between tequila and rum. At just past midnight today I was summoned to His office, where He gave me a most important task. All current employees of Samuel Adams are hereby granted pardons for everything they’ve ever done or will do, and will be guaranteed passage into Heaven immediately upon their death. They will enter Heaven through a side door, skip the welcome and indoctrination programs, and enjoy an exclusive reception thrown by God, where they will be awarded the keys to their villas on Lake Heaven City near God’s own jungle.

Their good fortune stems from a recent initiative launched by Samuel Adams called the Hop Sharing Program. You see, hops are in short supply right now. As a mandatory ingredient for beer, many small breweries are being forced to cut down their output or modify recipes to accommodate the shortage. The good people at Samuel Adams recognize that good beer is more important than competition or cornered markets, and are selling off a few tons of hops to small breweries at cost. What makes this even cooler is that Samuel Adams pays less for hops than virtually all of the microbreweries out there, so even in a market without hops Samuel Adams has found a way to provide them cheaper than they would be otherwise to some of the most creative and important breweries out there. There’s no profit margin, no gimmicks, no imaginative marketing campaign - just beer.

So today in Heaven it has been decreed Samuel Adams Sunday, and henceforth will be celebrated on the Sunday immediately preceding President’s Day. We’re all getting tanked up here. God is swimming in Winter Lager and I’m doing a Hefeweizen. It’s a good day.

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