A little ditty…about Jesus and Mary(aaaaane!)

Posted by Jesus on March 21, 2008

Okay, I’m sick and tired of getting called up and asked about what really happened between me and Mary Mags. Every single time one of you weekend worshipers catches a whisper that Jesus and Mary might have been lovers I’ve got to hear about it, and then I’ve got to hear how sorry you are for thinking that, then I’ve got to hear about it again from all of the people you tell. I told myself I would never do this - that I would never say anything that made me sound…political - yet here I am. This is what you’ve driven me to. I, Jesus Christ of Nazareth, Son of God and part of the Holy Trinity, he who can walk on water and raise the dead, your personal Lord and savior, am here today to say one thing.

I did not have sex with that woman.

I admit, there were some moments which were touch and go. We just never sealed the deal, so to speak. Mary was among my most trusted disciples. She was there when I was put up, and when I came down, and when I rose. We were very close, you see, and her long history as a whore had given her a bit of a wiggle that was impossible to ignore. Besides that, her greatest pleasure was toying with me. I guess my point is that she was a highly-skilled former prostitute, and it was hard for her not to seduce everyone around her. She still has that effect on men in Heaven, but up here you can pretty much have sex with whoever you want, so it’s not as big a deal.

In Mark you’ve likely read about the seven devils I cast out of her. It wasn’t so much seven individual devils, but rather the same devil several times. She was a whore, and as we all know, once a whore, always a whore. I could only keep her fixed for so long…

Anyway, I’m glad we cleared that up. You can all go back to your lives, and I can go back to dealing with things that really matter, like hating fags and trying to convince old Dubya’ to skin that smokewagon and aim it toward Iran.