10 Things Christians Should Ignore

Posted by Jesus on March 5, 2008

A Christian’s life should be simple. Free of burdens and frills, a Christian should spend every waking minute pursuing further glorification of God and enhanced knowledge about His blessings. Lately I see a great many of you involved in things which you would be better off simply ignoring, as your diverted attention is significantly impacting your chances of seeing Heaven. Today I’m going to try to put you back on the straight and narrow by helping you make an end-run around ten things which just shouldn’t concern you at all.

10. Atheists. People who do not believe in anything bigger than themselves simply cannot be trusted to be moral. Listening or paying attention to atheists only gives them the sense of self-worth they so obviously need to continue feeling good about their heathen lifestyle. Should you encounter an atheist, your best bet is to turn the other cheek. You may think you have an obligation to witness to them, but having blasphemed against God they have literally no chance at salvation anyway. Don’t waste your time.

9. Foreign wars. Dad made the planet as big as it is so that He could try out a lot of different things (some of which are kind of ugly) without directly affecting those of you who love Him. If God had wanted you tied up personally in goings on halfway around the globe He’d have promoted you to President or planned you as a soldier. Leave diplomacy and crusading to those God has chosen for such work and focus on your Bible. Who gets killed in this conflict or that is not nearly so important as who got killed in the Old Testament several thousand years ago anyway.

8. Monetary policy. Look at any piece of currency in the United States and you’ll find the uniform statement “In God We Trust” printed in clear lettering somewhere on the surface. Good Christians should do just that. Trust God to keep your money working for you, and find something else to do with your time. Maybe take a second job to help fund the new roof your church needs.

7. Human slavery. Everyone knows that companies such as Nestle and Nike use cheap or slave-based labor to keep prices low and products on store shelves. Rather than get bent out of shape about it, why not just let it go? God allows for slavery. It’s right there in black and white in your Bible. That means it’s not your concern.

6. Global Warming. I’m not going to tell you to ignore global warming because I think it’s made-up scaremongering, because it’s not. Humans are, in fact, producing gasses which are causing heat to become trapped on your planet, which over time will unquestionably kill you all. Christians should ignore it not because it’s fake, but because I’ll rapture the few of you who are worthy long before your last lake dries up. And don’t you think that maybe God intends for it to get really hot and for food to become hard to grow at some point? If anything you should be marveling at the sight of God fulfilling His own Plan right in front of you.

5. Personal fitness. Red and yellow, black and white, you are all precious in my sight. I don’t care what you look like, but I do care about how much you adhere to the Bible. For every hour that you spend on the treadmill, that’s one more hour you could have spent reading Leviticus. One of them will get you to Heaven. The other will slim and trim you, further feeding your particularly nasty habit of fornicating.

4. Evolution. I’ve talked about it here before; we all know that God is a monkey who created you in His image, from which you have evolved into your present form over the last six thousand years. I wouldn’t get too worked up over it though. Just because you live on the planet now doesn’t mean you should have any indication of where you came from. Instead, find a warm spot and pray a while.

3. Astrophysics. You could spend your time arguing with people who have gone to school for thirty years about their varied misunderstandings in the fields of math, science, and even giant telescopes. You could waste away hours shredding their small-minded predictions about what it is that they’re seeing in the universe around them with Scripture. Or you could just ignore them. If you’ve spent three minutes reading the first page of the Bible, then you’re way smarter than any astrophysicist, and thus shouldn’t reduce yourself to having to, once again, explain the silliness of the “big bang” theory. Better just to ignore the whole charade altogether.

2. Politics. All good Christians recognize that God is in control, so there’s not any need to get involved in the political process. Whether you vote or not the person God wants to hold office will do just that, even if at first glance His selections may appear to be in error. He works in mysterious ways; plus He likes to see your reactions to things. So why bother?

1. Hypocrisy. You know how sometimes you don’t understand certain things, so you just say “it’s a God thing,” and accept it as it is without further explanation? Hypocrisy is one of those things. Sure, it may not seem very Christian to claim to love everyone, but then to turn around and hate fags and muslims, but sometimes you just have to do as you’re told and let God’s Will work through you. People will call you a hypocrite, but after reading this you’ll know to just ignore them.

Of course there are far more things which good Christians should ignore, including a great many laws and regulations, but these ten are a good start for today. Now that you’re a little more in-touch with your Personal Lord and Savior, why not shut off the TV tonight and curl up with a good book, like…oh I don’t know, maybe Deuteronomy?

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