10 Reasons to Bomb Iran

Posted by Jesus on April 11, 2008

The time has come to discuss a matter of great importance with all of God’s people. The threat of Iran to the United States and to the world is grave, and must be addressed openly and in unequivocal terms. Heaven has been in direct contact with the Bush administration for the last several years on the matter, but has largely withheld important strategic material deemed important to eterno-galactic security from the public. We apologize for not having responded to your Freedom of Information Prayers sooner, but our intelligence community has only recently been able to verify the mandatory multiple of ten reasons necessary to bring the matter to God for approval to release the information to the general public. With the bureaucratic requirements met, today I give you Ten reasons to bomb Iran.

10. They are supplying weapons to enemy forces such as al Qaeda. Never mind the fact that 90% of the Iranian population and 100% of the Iranian government is Shia, while al Qaeda is Sunni. They’ve pretty much thrown off their thousands and thousands of years of violent disagreement in order to jointly hurl wave after wave of mixed-sect units at your God-fueled war machine. It’s not just al Qaeda they’re arming either. Our latest intel suggests that Iran is also proving training and equipment to the North Koreans, Venezuelans, East Side Crips, and a number of liberal organizations in cities across America.

9. They are building a nuke, and will use it immediately should they succeed. Many nations have nuclear weapons, but the promise of mutually-assured destruction keeps anyone from actually using them. Iran cannot be deterred by such a doctrine, however, because in their society any retaliatory nukes would presumably only produce hundreds of thousands of martyrs. Firing nukes at so-called infidels would actually be advantageous to their society, which is why they’re continuing with their weapons programs even against your government’s suggestions to the contrary. There’s only one way left to convince them.

8. They need a strong Christian influence in their nation. One of the reasons Iran is so dangerous to the world is their state-sponsored fundamentalist islamic federal government. The only way to bring people out of the dark is to introduce them to the light. If you’ve got to send the military in to accomplish strategic goals anyway, why not send in some preachers at the same time? Killing two birds with one stone, so to speak.

7. They want to destroy Israel. I shouldn’t even have to explain this one. We all know who they’re going to hit as soon as they get their own Little Boy slapped together and dig up enough spare parts to field their own Enola Gay.

6. They’re attacking the dollar. Iran has been pushing OPEC to abandon the U.S. Dollar, which would likely cripple your economy. Your government doesn’t go around messing with the currency of other sovereign nations, so why should you put up with it being done to you?

5. American corporations will benefit the Iranian people. Most muslims still live in basic housing and work in agricultural or manual trades. Unemployment is rampant, as their are only so many sheep needing herders, and since the introduction of the dog jobs have been disappearing all over the continent. Think about how great companies like McDonalds and Wal-Mart will be for the Iranian people!

4. The Middle East will be a better place. You’ve already largely succeeded in installing two prominent beacons of hope and democracy in Iraq and Afghanistan, both of which have gone a long way to ensuring long-term peace in the Middle East. Nobody said freeing people from thousands of years of barbaric and delusional beliefs would be easy, but you’re committed, and the road to complete suppression of fundamentalist islam goes through Iran. War is Peace.

3. Their culture idolizes the suicide bomber. One cannot reason with Iran, and the reformation of their evil and terroristic ways also cannot be accomplished through covert actions. You simply cannot use conventional logic against an enemy who is more than willing to die, particularly when the whole of their population is sympathetic to their own uncivilized tactics. No, in this case you must bomb them heavily and continuously until they are either out of suicide bombers or they promise to fight fair when the Marines show up.

2. American-style government will benefit the Iranian people. Even though they democratically elect their leaders, their election system is outdated, easily tampered-with, and does not accurately represent the will of the people. Because your system does not have these flaws it is very likely that their acceptance of an Americanized federal system will significantly improve the lives of the Iranian people. Given time they may even begin electing only Christians to their highest office, the most American thing a fledgling 21st century democracy can do!

1. Bombing Iran is the Christian thing to do. God has instructed you to spread His word, but Iran is a difficult place to bring the Light. Dangers include beheading, stoning, death by Kalashnikov or bomb, and being constantly inundated by the chatterings of uneducated and unfulfilled masses of muslims who have never truly experienced God in their lives. It will require some degree of military intervention before Iran can be made safe for Christianity to take root, which is all the justification you should need. Bombing Iran is simply the Christian thing to do.