10 reasons Sarah Palin should quit

Posted by Jesus on September 30, 2008

I’m sure most of you know by now that I have joined the McCain/Palin campaign in an official capacity. It’s been a very trying time for me and my staff, both because John McCain is a very sick man requiring almost constant miraculous intervention to continue speaking coherently, and because Sarah Palin is the single least capable person I’ve ever known. I still don’t know why God is allowing her to run on His ticket, but regardless of His reasons I simply cannot stay silent on the topic any longer. As usual, I came prepared to post a list of 2,663,104 reasons that Sarah Palin should step aside, but my good friend Moses convinced me to narrow it to ten. He’s a handy guy to have around, and not just because he scores the best acid.

10. Her daughter is a whore. At only 17, Bristol Palin is pregnant with a bastard child who, according to God’s own divine law, has no chance of ever getting into Heaven. Anyone who would bring such a baby into the world clearly lacks a great deal of judgment, proving that Sarah and Todd Palin possess none of the the parental skills necessary to either raise a Christian child or to stone her when this type of behavior began ten years ago. How could such a woman ever expect to draw the support of real Christians with such a terrible track record as a mother?

9. She needs notes. Like all women, Sarah Palin was created by God as an afterthought of sorts. This means that she has a difficult time remembering things, and regularly needs notes to handle everyday conversations. Take the economy as an example. We all know that any choice for Vice President is capable of speaking eloquently on the topic, else they would not have been chosen by any rationally-thinking Presidential candidate, right? Not quite. Sarah Palin still needs notes, and sometimes she can’t even read them properly.

8. She is not a real Christian. Her lack of foresight in the clearly-needed stoning of at least one of her daughters notwithstanding, Sarah Palin fails to satisfy the requirements of Christianity on a great many fundamental levels. For starters, she has repeatedly worked on the Sabbath, which as we all know demands a pretty harsh punishment. She was also in a competition which caused men to experience the sin of lust, which I’ll address further shortly. Most importantly, however, is her complete lack of understanding of her own role as a woman. If she were a real Christian, she would know that God expects her to shut the hell up and sit quietly in the corner.

From the Bible:

Six days shall work be done, but on the seventh day there shall be to you an holy day, a sabbath of rest to the LORD: whosoever doeth work therein shall be put to death. –Exodus 35:2

But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. –1 Timothy 2:12

7. She refuses to speak to you. On a purely political level, anyone aspiring to one of your highest offices should at least converse with you, which Sarah Palin has not done. I spend every day with her. It’s not like she’s super busy. If she were doing her job and talking to you I wouldn’t have to deal with her hanging all over me all day begging me to toss a miracle into Todd’s pants. More importantly, she could be using her multiple interview requests to do the real job of the President and Vice President, spreading the Word of God.

6. There are exactly 76,395,095 Americans more qualified. Every one of them has a penis.

5. She was a terrible politician in Alaska. Sarah is under investigation for a number of wrongdoings as Governor of Alaska. By all accounts she was a pretty cruddy politician at the city level as well. God obviously did not endow her with the wisdom necessary to lead, so why does she continue to spit in His face by running for higher and higher offices?

4. She is just plain stupid. I hate to be so blunt about it, but Sarah Palin isn’t even particularly bright among women. Sure, with God’s help she could be as brilliant as any person who has ever lived, but I wouldn’t count on that when the chips are down.

3. She is a whore. We all know that Sarah was a runner-up in a beauty contest, but how many of you have considered the deeper implications of one of the more ubiquitous elements of such competitions, the swimsuit portion? It’s not that I have a problem with whores – in fact, some of my best friends are tramps and harlots – it’s just that no one wants a woman who has caused men to sin so grievously to have a platform from which she can cast so wide a net of debauchery. And if she became President? Forget about it. You’d have orgies on Saturnalia by the middle of her second term, then God would have to come in and destroy you, and so on and so forth, drama drama drama. Trust me, it’s just not worth it.

2. She is going to get you killed. Russia is a very large nation with very big bombs. Vladimir Putin is an incredibly serious man with deep convictions about America’s former enemy, the Soviet Union. On top of that, Russia is a Godless, emotionless nation devoid of any love for peace and brotherhood. Saying stupid things about someone like Hugo Chavez or Fidel Castro is one thing. Vladimir Putin strips naked once per year in the dead of Russia’s winter and hunts large game with his bare hands, then uses the blood of his vanquished prey to scribe the names of his enemies into a black book at the end of a chain constructed of human bone suspended from his enormous penis. Despite Sarah’s clear foreign policy credentials, which due to their automatic issuance upon her acceptance into the Republican Party no reasonable person could ever challenge, she clearly still doesn’t understand why you don’t taunt one of Satan’s top Lieutenants like that.

1. Because she has a vagina. God does not permit people with vaginae to ascend to such prominent roles, so if she does not either immediately receive a sex change or drop out John McCain will lose the election and all of my work these last few months will have been in vain. And I hate doing free work. There are so many better things I could be doing with my time than following this old man around to ensure that him and Caribou Barbie don’t blow it for God.

She’s got a debate coming up in a few days, and I’m pretty sure God is going to ask me to stay late to help prepare her. I’ll tell you what I’m going to do though. I’m going to slip out around four, before He has a chance to corner me. The Holy Spirit has been trying to talk me into disappearing to Tijuana for a few days anyway. She says she knows some people down there that I’m supposed to really get along with. Maybe while I’m gone a colossal failure in the debate on Thursday will help compel Sarah to voluntarily drop out. A Savior of Mankind can hope, can’t he?

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