10 Reasons Believers are Happier Than Atheists

Posted by Jesus on March 20, 2008

Leslie pointed me to a great article yesterday about why believers are happier than atheists. Although the story is short, there are a few key reasons given for the overall happiness of believers, and some actual evidence to back them up. I spoke to God on the matter, Who after reading the article Himself has asked me to expand upon it. Because it’s an order from God, it must be carried out in multiples of ten. Today I’m happy to present to you an important lesson in life – the top ten reasons that Christians are happier than atheists.

10. Christians have lots of free time. Atheists are concerned with the origins of the universe, human rights, global warming, genocides, what’s taught in school, evolutionary biology, the media, politics, and civil liberties. Christians, however, are not burdened with such “intellectual” pursuits, preferring instead to simply believe one thing so strongly that further knowledge on other topics is not required in their lives. That’s not to say that some Christians don’t stray into the interests of atheists for the purpose of witnessing, but by and large Christians are unburdened by knowledge of the goings-on around them, and are thus free to spend more time doing simpler things which make them happy, like making little Scriptural things via needlework.

9. Christians aren’t responsible for others. Atheists always talk about how humans have certain responsibilities to one another, such as keeping the planet healthy and guaranteeing a safe place in which to grow up. Christians, on the other hand, are individualistic in nature, as it is a lone pursuit to see the Gates of Heaven. Focusing only on one’s self eliminates a lot of noise and relegates the unachievable to the unimportant, which invariably makes the Christian a happier and more introspective person.

8. Christians have a place to go when they die. Atheists are always so concerned with the things they do in their lives, suggesting that people only have “one shot” at getting it right. Christians, however, understand that many things are better left undone, and that their paltry few decades on Earth are only the beginning of their eternal life. Christians, therefore, aren’t as stressed out about accomplishments during their natural lives, focusing instead on their eternity in Heaven.

7. God blesses Christians. By simply asking, a Christian can achieve wondrous things in their lives. Money, fame, cars, beating cancer or homosexuality, and having children are but a few of the gifts God bestows upon His followers if and when they ask. Atheists, on the other hand, are stuck working for the things that they want out of life.

6. Christians can cope with loss better. All Christians know that people only die because God willed it. Even Jessica Lunsford served a purpose to God. Knowing that tragedy and loss of loved ones are all part of God’s Plan helps Christians deal with the feelings of emptiness and sorrow which follows the passing of a loved one. Atheists, however, just have to wallow in their suffering. Who wouldn’t be happier with a pass on human emotion?

5. Christians are moral people, while atheists are not. Because all morality is drawn from the well of God, those who do not know Him cannot know ethical behavior within society. People who treat other people with dignity and respect, such as Christians, are far happier than people who see others only as empty vessels composed of molecules and weak consciousness. Were atheists to know morality, they too would be happy.

4. Christians have all the answers. Knowing God is like knowing everything that ever is and was and shall be. Anything and everything can be correctly attributed to God, so at any given point a Christian may simply invoke His Plan and move on with their lives. Because humans have a deep and natural desire to understand things, atheists cannot be truly happy because they do not have God to lean on.

3. Christians have more friends. Atheists do not generally gather in large numbers on a weekly basis to praise nothing. Christians, on the other hand, come together and make new friends several times per week! People with more friends are universally happier in life.

2. Children of Christians behave much better. The Bible is the ultimate guide to raising well-informed and moral children, and Christians who utilize the messages of salvation, accountability, and fear in their child-rearing have far fewer problems with their kids than atheists. Children raised by atheists are universally more difficult to control, as they rely on logic, reason, and fairness when arguing with their mothers and fathers, which in many cases may confound atheist parents. A Christian child would never endeavor to be so difficult. They might get stoned for their transgressions.

1. Christians are better than atheists, and they know it. Let’s face it, part of being happy is knowing that one is successful, right, and just. Christians know for a fact that they are correct about God’s existence, and moreover recognize the hopelessness in all atheists. For the same reason that watching Jerry Springer makes you feel better about yourself, Christians coming in contact with atheists makes them happier about their choices in life.

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