God grant us gas
Posted by Jesus on July 29, 2008
Are you feeling it yet? Are the high gas prices finally getting your attention? I hear from a lot of these days. “Jesus, please make gas cheaper; Jesus, oil costs too much; Jesus, I need a new car.” You’re even gathering at gas stations to thank God for the recent dip in prices. It’s not that we’re not hearing you down there, it’s that we know all about the gas prices, and we really don’t intend to let them fall just yet. Getting together and praising God is a heck of a good start to convincing God that you’re willing to change though.
I’ve been getting prayers from people non stop since that guy walked into the Uniterian Universalist Unitard Unisex Unicard church and 
Welcome, true believers. It’s time once again for a little bit of feedback aimed directly at some of you who have been stalwart enough to send me your prayers via email. I know it can’t be easy for you to look past the methods you’ve been using to talk to me for the large majority of your lives and adopt something so new and seemingly unholy as email, but that’s exactly the sort of thing Christians went through when you learned that you would no longer require the Pope to communicate with Heaven. We do our best to adapt. I appreciate your doing the same. Now, on to your emails!
You’ve seen it coming for months. You may have already been affected. The United States economy is failing, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to get better anytime soon. There are experts who say that you, the people, are to blame, or even that you’re just whining. Others say that your government screwed up. I know that it might be popular to blame George Bush or Ben Bernanke for this economic meltdown right now, but that’s all just crazy talk. Even George himself knows that God is involved in everything, which is why he still looks so comfortable. He knows he’s not responsible for the condition of the nation. It’s just providence. God has chosen this economy for you, and if you’ve been paying attention at all you probably know why. You’ve been remiss in kicking your ten percent upstairs, and God intends to put a stop to it. Now.
About two thousand years ago I saw my first dinosaur close up. I was five years old, and Joseph was taking me with him to his Fraternal Brotherhood of the Mammoth meeting a couple of towns over. We were no more than a few miles outside of town, where civilization gives way to small farms and evenly-spaced roadside inns, when I spotted the beast on the horizon. Within hours we were surrounded by literally hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of gargantuan animals. It was the age of man. It was the age of Jesus. And it was the age of the dinosaur.
My friends and fellow believers, it is my distinct pleasure to inform you that Jesse Helms has just been released from the Heavenly receiving department and is now at the right hand of Jesus. Of course no one should be surprised, as very few people exemplified the beliefs of Jesus so clearly and passionately as did our dear friend Jesse. I have been asked to say a few words at dinner tonight in his honor, and I’d like to summarize a couple of thoughts for those of you who missed the coverage over the holiday weekend.
No matter how long you live or how widely you travel, there are a great many things you are not likely to see in your short time on Earth. Among the most rare of all encounters are those which deal with a real, live manifest demon. Given the infrequency with which a real human possession occurs, compounded by the unavailability of good priests trained in the matter available to discover these possessions, you are statistically less likely to witness a true demon exorcism than you are to join the mile high club with a nun.