Jesus answers your emails (part 2)
Posted by Jesus on May 28, 2008
There are so many wonderful things about being the Son of the Creator God that sometimes even I become overwhelmed. I wake up every morning in the most perfect place ever created, surrounded in my acre-wide bed by dozens of my closest followers, only to go to work serving you, God’s amazing and much-loved creation. You would not believe the number of prayers I hear every day either. I have no greater joy in my life than listening and occasionally responding to your requests, or at least the ones which don’t involve your sports teams, the grades you kids are getting, or nailing your cute cousin. My favorite days are those which find me directly engaged in your lives, which to be honest don’t come around as often since my services are in such high demand in Iraq. Today is going to be a good day though. Today I’m answering your emails.
I don’t know if it was the dead girl in the river, the choir boy in the Hamptons, the illegal immigrant orgy last summer, or the free abortions Kennedy provided in his private Olympic-size pool. Senator Ted Kennedy has a brain tumor, and it’s bad. Leave it to God to always know what you humans need, for good or for bad, in health or in poverty, in election season or American Idol season. He’ll stand you up as tall and as strong as a mountain or collapse you on yourself with a flick of His AIDS. When God sends you a message you’re supposed to get it. So my question tonight is to Ted Kennedy: are you listening?
Have you been watching the news lately? A hundred thousand or more dead in Burma. Tens of thousands in China. God is obviously at work in Asia. Of course He works in very mysterious ways, so you probably don’t yet understand why He feels the need to extinguish so many lives in so short a time. You probably won’t understand, but today I’m going to try to explain this to you. Dad killed all of those people for good reason, and no one up here in Heaven is really sure He’s done yet.
It’s Friday night. You’re just wrapping up your fifth date with a pretty redhead, and you’ve been invited to her place again. You sneak quietly through the living room, being careful so as not to wake her parents. You get to her room at the end of the hall, where she lights a scented candle and puts on a Ben Harper CD. You talk about how much fun you had playing miniature golf or where you want to go over the summer, and somehow or another during your conversation most of your clothes end up on the floor. But before you can finish your declaration that dalmatians are better than poodles, she leans in close and whispers something new in your ear: I’m feeling naughty, want to put it in my butt?
All men are born with talents. Some have useful talents, such as playing the bass guitar or being naturally good at working on air conditioners. Others talents are less marketable, like COBOL or speaking Spanish. Very special individuals are born with skills which allow them to shape the minds of those who listen to them, spinning words and ideas into arguments as easily as Beethoven conquered musical phrases. For these people a belief in God is important because they can and will ultimately find the souls of many Americans resting at the end of their next sentence. Sean Hannity is just such an individual, and today I’m going to tell you why he’s getting a one-way ticket to Heaven.