The Pope Cometh
Posted by Jesus on April 17, 2008
Americans are generally not the most aware people, knowing very little about their own government, where their money goes when they tithe, or even what components make up their favorite pseudo-food, the Big Mac. It’s not surprising that many of you don’t know that the Pope is in the United States right now either, since I don’t recall that information being relayed to you via American Idol or Lost recently. Ignorance aside, the Pope is indeed within your borders, and it’s about time for you to get mad.
The time has come to discuss a matter of great importance with all of God’s people. The threat of Iran to the United States and to the world is grave, and must be addressed openly and in unequivocal terms. Heaven has been in direct contact with the Bush administration for the last several years on the matter, but has largely withheld important strategic material deemed important to eterno-galactic security from the public. We apologize for not having responded to your Freedom of Information Prayers sooner, but our intelligence community has only recently been able to verify the mandatory multiple of ten reasons necessary to bring the matter to God for approval to release the information to the general public. With the bureaucratic requirements met, today I give you Ten reasons to bomb Iran.
I’ve just received an interesting prayer out of Chicago. It seems that an atheist stood up in a city council meeting and started denying God in public! There is a growing concern in Heaven over evangelical atheism’s continued assault on the Truth, but seeing people stand up in government meetings and on government property to espouse their disbelief in the Almighty is beyond the pale. Something must be done. Fortunately for all of us, 
You may have heard about 
There has been a lot of talk lately about empty houses, sparse streets, and low turnout to various events here in Heaven. Everyone seems to want more people to get through the Gates as of late, and we, the Management, hear and understand. We know the shops need customers, the unions need members, and even the sports teams need lackeys, so we’re doing something about it. Today I’m happy to announce the Atheist Amnesty Program, which will once and for all populate Heaven to its reasonable capacity!