The Eternal If-Then Statement
Posted by Jesus on March 28, 2008
Larry the Free Software Guy recently asked me why I don’t write as many entries on geek topics, which is interesting because he doesn’t believe in me. Today I’m going to answer him by educating my masses in the proper use of an if-then statement, while also hopefully convincing our heathen friend Larry to park his butt on a pew this weekend. Even lost souls still have their prayers delivered to Heaven, whether they believe or not. We typically don’t even see these prayers anymore, at least since Simon and I updated our prayer filter to use Bayesian logic. Somehow Larry’s prayer slipped through, and I’ve got to believe it’s providence. I’d ask Dad directly, but He’s on retreat with a pack of orangutans. Sometimes you gotta go with your gut anyway. Here’s how to write killer if-then statements.
Today is Good Friday in the United States, and many people are taking off of work, spending all day at church reflecting, or just taking a moment during their day to think about me and my suffering. As has become the norm here on openjesus.org, on this religious holiday I’m going to tell you why each and every one of you out there celebrating Good Friday and/or Easter is committing an offense unto God, and will therefore be going directly to Hell upon your death.
Okay, I’m sick and tired of getting called up and asked about what really happened between me and Mary Mags. Every single time one of you weekend worshipers catches a whisper that Jesus and Mary might have been lovers I’ve got to hear about it, and then I’ve got to hear how sorry you are for thinking that, then I’ve got to hear about it again from all of the people you tell. I told myself I would never do this - that I would never say anything that made me sound…political - yet here I am. This is what you’ve driven me to. I, Jesus Christ of Nazareth, Son of God and part of the Holy Trinity, he who can walk on water and raise the dead, your personal Lord and savior, am here today to say one thing.
Leslie pointed me to a great article yesterday about why 
There’s a lot of talk lately about former governor Eliot Spitzer and his recently-named whore, “Kristen.” Here in Heaven I’m getting innundated with requests to forgive him and questions about the moral consequences of hiring a prostitute, so today I feel compelled to talk a little bit about hooking and whoring in general, and what you, as a Christian, should be feeling as this fascinating story unfolds.
A Christian’s life should be simple. Free of burdens and frills, a Christian should spend every waking minute pursuing further glorification of God and enhanced knowledge about His blessings. Lately I see a great many of you involved in things which you would be better off simply ignoring, as your diverted attention is significantly impacting your chances of seeing Heaven. Today I’m going to try to put you back on the straight and narrow by helping you make an end-run around ten things which just shouldn’t concern you at all.