Once a whore, always a whore
Posted by Jesus on February 28, 2008
There are certain things that one should not pray about. One should not ask me to help in a criminal or sexual pursuit, nor a game of chance, or even a tough situation resulting from egregious sin such as in the case teenage pregnancy. Some topics are just not appropriate to bring to me, your moral leader and personal Lord and Savior. One of these is the concept of “revirginization.” Once you’ve screwed around and lost your virginity you simply cannot get it back, not matter how hard you pray or how much you spend on surgery. Of course that’s not stopping some women from trying, nor is it getting in the way of some so-called Christians who think they can rewrite their own past to cheat their way into Heaven.
One of the most common questions I’m asked following a tragic shooting, besides the usual “why” and “how could you let this happen,” is my own personal stance on guns. Christians and non-Christians alike call on me to settle the debate over whether or not guns should be allowed in the hands of citizens following any firearm-related incident, many of whom claim to know what my answer might be without really waiting for a response. Today I intend to settle the debate once and for all by giving you all my philosophy on firearms.
I’m not going to lie to you. I love to drink. Wine, beer, vodka, it doesn’t matter. Drinking is something I picked up from Dad. Ever wonder why sometimes He burned the hippies and sometimes He sent down an angel to chat with them? That’s the difference between tequila and rum. At just past midnight today I was summoned to His office, where He gave me a most important task. All current employees of 
Loyal reader and devout Christian Fred Chaff forwarded me 
The world today is more dangerous than it has ever been and will ever be again. Muslim extremists have declared a jihad on freedom and democracy, and count among their tactics the videotaped beheading of innocent Americans and suicide bombs in crowded markets. The same people who rammed planes into your buildings in 2001 are planning new and more vicious attacks, and it is the responsibility of your government to ensure that their plans are laid bare through whatever means necessary. It should come as no surprise to anyone that occasionally that means a muslim somewhere is going to get tortured. Today I want to talk about why that is okay.
In the Old Testament God punished those who went against His will in a variety of ways, some of the more notable being fire from the sky and cities being turned into salt. His wrath has become more refined over time, and today He rarely calls forth the ground to swallow hippies or flying serpents of fire to devour nonbelievers. Instead, He relies on seemingly natural occurrences such as tornadoes, hurricanes, and heavy aircraft piloted by muslims. Just yesterday, for example, God 