Here’s your sign

Posted by Jesus on March 26, 2007

It’s not huge news or anything, but you know that sign you’ve all been asking for? You know the one, “Jesus, I really want to give up my possessions and live in the woods, just send me a sign and I’ll do it.” Well, you’re welcome. Amidst all the frauds and the images found on toast, I have actually sent you all a physical manifestation of my existence. Anyone who has asked for some sort of token from me over the last, say, sixty years, should definitely go have a look at the blood on my portraits. It is all that you seek and more.

From the article:

“This is indeed a miracle and shows that Jesus was in pain because of our sins,” said John Chrysostom, a priest at the Anglican Church of Port Blair.

One portrait was temporarily moved to the local bishop’s house for public viewing after police found it difficult to control swelling crowds.

Officials said red paint used in the portraits could be melting in the extreme humidity.

But islanders and priests continue to come in boats from remote parts of the Andaman and Nicobar archipelago to pray.

There are a few things I want to talk about today, but I’ll be brief. First and foremost, neither John Chrysostom, the local bishop, or you or anyone you know can understand the pain that I went through. I’d like to see you take on the sins of the world and still have the compassion to save a little boy scout from freezing to death. It’s way harder than you think. It pleases me greatly to know that the intention of the blood on the portrait was so quickly understood and disseminated by the local priest though - I did in fact choose this method of sending a sign to illustrate the pain I went through. It’s good that you know. It’s better that you remember. It’s best if you thank me for it in your prayers.

The second thing I want to discuss is this notion of red paint melting in the humidity. When is the last time you saw something melt when water was applied? How come every time I throw a miracle at you people, which isn’t often at all, you go and find some off-the-wall scientific explanation for it? It would be one thing if all of the paint on the portrait were melting due to a sweeping fire, but only the red paint, and melting because it’s humid? Come on, you’ll have to do better than that to disprove this one, scientists.

Note that, dispite these idiotic claims to melting paint, people continue to show up in droves. They had to move the portrait to accomodate the extra people, and folks from thirty countries are making plans to see my blood over the next week. Do you really think thousands upon thousands of people would drop what they’re doing and travel halfway around the world to see paint melt? Yeah, I kind of doubt it too.

So there it is, people. Your sign. The one you’ve been waiting for. Now get out there and spread the Good News!