Who’s appalled now?
Posted by Jesus on March 7, 2007
A recent article at The Guardian is my topic of discussion today, and I’d like to thank the many followers who prayed this to my attention. John Edwards, who is running for President of the United States and who is wealthy beyond all belief, seems to have some strong things to say about my stance on the topics of poverty and prayer in school. This should be interesting.
From the article:
Edwards, in an interview with the Web site Beliefnet.com, said Jesus would be most upset with the selfishness of Americans and the country’s willingness to go to war “when it’s not necessary.”
“I think that Jesus would be disappointed in our ignoring the plight of those around us who are suffering and our focus on our own selfish short-term needs,” Edwards told the site. “I think he would be appalled, actually.”
Edwards also said he was against teacher-led prayers in public schools, but he added that “allowing time for children to pray for themselves, to themselves, I think is not only OK, I think it’s a good thing.”
Alright then, Mr. Edwards. You’ve opened your mouth and told the people how you think I might feel about these things, but allow me to correct a few minor points if you will. First and foremost, your job is not to tell people how I might react to a given scenario, it is to do yourself exactly that which I might do. The whole purpose of your endeavor for a closer walk with God is to lead the closest possible life to that of my own in an all-out effort to get into Heaven, except that your life should be set in the present and will inevitably be without the added bonus of healing powers. We in Heaven recognize this shortcoming, and we realize that it is a lot tougher to be like me if you can’t cure a blind man now and then, but you should still do your best.
John, if I were worth $30 million, which we both know I’m not, I would just take care of whatever appalled me. Instead of building one of the biggest houses anywhere, why not open a really big soup kitchen chain in twelve of the biggest cities in the country and flat out eliminate the concept of hungry? Because you’re not trying to be like me, John. You’re not trying to be like me at all.
You did get one thing right though, I am appalled. Just about everyone I’ve ever known has used me in some way or another, from Judas and his silver to Caligula running off with that sandal I blessed in jest that night over too much wine. I’ll have to tell you about that some day, it’s a great story that just missed the final cut for the Gospels.
But to stay on point, this is the type of hypocrisy that mandated this website in the first place. How many times did I stop what I was doing to fix something I came across in my travels? How many examples of setting things right does one person need to take it on as a basic tenet of being more like me? John, I’m afraid the buzz right now is that you’re damned. To be fair though, it’s not this which pushed you over the edge – you’ve kind of been distant since the last election, and we just can’t have distant people in Heaven, John. You understand, I’m sure.
It’s it’s any consolation, you’re partially right on the prayer in school issue. We in Heaven have always been against teacher-led prayer, just as we have always been against women-led prayer. The proper way for children to be educated in the classroom is by a male priest, and nothing else can be sanctioned. While I appreciate your argument, you have to realize that such a middle-of-the-road solution just serves to solidify your reputation with the voting committee as a hypocrite. Also, you might want to keep that whole “allowing time for children to pray for themselves, to themselves” under wraps. Children are supposed to be praying to me, not to themselves. We really can’t have someone with your obvious influence saying otherwise. I’m not saying God needs you more or anything, just that you should at least get the target of prayers right.
In the future we should all be mindful of the fact that only I can speak for myself, just as only John Edwards can speak for John Edwards. This whole thing with all of you using my name to bolster arguments I would never have gotten into in the first place is beyond old. Dad made it really, really clear what you can and can’t do, and I missed my 9am tee-time every morning for more than thirty years to prove to you that it could be done by regular people. It’s time to stop talking about what I would do and take action. Only your eternal souls are at stake.
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