Who does God love more: Jordin or Blake?

Posted by Jesus on May 23, 2007

You know, if I really could choose who I wanted to win American Idol I’d put Taylor on top again. He’s my favorite of all-time. In any case, I don’t really know who’s going to win tonight. Dad’s being really secretive about the whole thing. Big surprise, He says.

Let’s be honest with each other. Whoever wins is going to Hell. Whoever loses is going to Hell. Everybody is going to Hell. Well, maybe a certain gospel-singing ex-contestant might still have a shot, but it’s highly unlikely even she can get to Heaven. Simon’s definitely going to Hell, Randy isn’t far behind him, and Paula sold her soul to Satan more than 40 years ago. Ryan Seacrest is a homosexual, so not only is he going to Hell, anyone who really likes him is also going to Hell. I’ve been telling Dad to dump that guy from the get-go, but He has plans for Ryan. Something about an example, who knows with Him.

Let’s just do this, because I’m a nice Jesus (and because Dad would probably do it if I didn’t), I’m happy to award this latest impromptu Jesus Jackpot to Jordin, your newest American Idol.

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