When God hits (His) home

Posted by Jesus on December 10, 2007

Yesterday was a pretty busy day for most of us in Heaven. God is being extra vigilant this year about punishing people who celebrate the pagan rituals associated with Christmas, so there’s a lot of death and destruction to be spread around. In most cases He assigns shootings and other violent tasks to one of the angels, but as I’ve got them all sent out trying to locate Pat Robertson’s mind (since he lost it, you know), He’s heaped a ton of work on me. Most of you saw the shootings at churches in Colorado on the news yesterday. Yeah, that was me…

To be fair, if you’d all go to church on the seventh day, as God commands, then none of this would happen to you. But since you all seem so content to ignore His Commandment on the matter, consider your churches a fair place to receive His wrath. Of course a lot of you are pretending that this is just a “horrible tragedy,” and that God Himself would never have anything to do with murders at a house of worship. How naieve you all are. In times like these, there is one verse I like to go back to.

From the Bible:

I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things. (Isaiah 45:7)

Allow me to interpret this for those of you “Christians” who think that the Bible is all about happy frolicking evangelicals and food drives. God creates and sets forth all things, including evil. When people get killed in a mall, in their home, driving down the road, or even at church, it’s because God wanted it that way. God caused 9/11, God is global warming, and God did, in fact, specifically name several people to be shot in churches in Colorado yesterday.

In the interest of openness and full disclosure, none of the people who were shot yesterday would have made it to Heaven anyway, regardless of what they did with the rest of their lives. That’s one reason churches were chosen. Typically speaking, you’ll not find a better group of people who live intentionally and unabashedly with the full regalia of sin. Churchgoers are the people who are supposed to know better, making themselves available for teachings which might well get them into Heaven someday. The problem is that these same people, all of whom know that the wage of sin is death, still choose to die and go to Hell by refusing to actually interpret the Bible. If it doesn’t directly help them to make money or hate someone who is different, then most Christians won’t pay a passage any more than an allegorical mention now and again.

I told you last week that December was going to be a month of reckoning. So far you’ve had floods, mall shootings, church shootings, and before too long you’ll start to recognize the signs of epidemic deseases unleashed upon you this month. We’re throwing ice and rain at you, intentionally restricting the prodution of Wii’s to ensure maximum violence over them, and have a number of other clever tricks yet to be seen.

Have I ever told you exactly how much I love the holidays? Wrath season. Man, what a rush.

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