What would Giuliani do?

Posted by Jesus on April 26, 2007

The prayer channels are abuzz today about the Giuliani story. A lot of you seem to want to talk about Rudy’s statement regarding another 9/11 style attack if a Democrat gets elected, so I’ll capitulate. There’s definitely something to be said about it, and while there are more important things to cover we can still take a break now and then and discuss a little politics. Of course it’ll be slanted a bit, just as everything here is, but in a good way. And by “a good way” I mean it’s slanted in a way that you’ll go to Hell if you don’t follow. So let’s get started!

From the article:

Rudy Giuliani said if a Democrat is elected president in 2008, America will be at risk for another terrorist attack on the scale of Sept. 11, 2001.

But if a Republican is elected, he said, especially if it is him, terrorist attacks can be anticipated and stopped.

“If any Republican is elected president - and I think obviously I would be the best at this - we will remain on offense and will anticipate what [the terrorists] will do and try to stop them before they do it,” Giuliani said.

We here in Heaven like to call this political hackery. It’s a clear-cut issue which cannot be explained though political parties or metaphors, but must rather be considered from the point of view of the one Living God. It’s not likely that the election of a Democrat will increase your likelihood of getting blown to pieces in a suicide attack, but the election of a Republican isn’t going to keep you from experiencing the same fate either. In fact there is only one possible person you could ever elect who could have such an impact, but it would require a lot of work and a serious commitment to reform to make such a thing happen. Besides, I don’t think the Pope has time to meet with all of the cabinet members a normal President likes to keep around with his already busy schedule.

The truth is that you’re all going to elect who we say you’ll elect, whether you like it or not. Dad’s had the winner picked out since long before there was even light, so no amount of positioning or rabble-rousing at this point will really make a difference. Whoever it is that wins though will be there to do the job that Dad has set forth, and part of that job might well involve dealing with another mass attack by an islamic fundamentalist. Let me remind you also that anytime a Christian is killed by a nonbeliever, including a muslim, the death must receive special permission from Dad to take place. This is to ensure that the lessons you should be learning as a result are understood. Of course we all see how that’s going…

More from the article:

“This war ends when they stop coming here to kill us!” Giuliani said in his speech. “Never, ever again will this country ever be on defense waiting for [terrorists] to attack us if I have anything to say about it. And make no mistake, the Democrats want to put us back on defense!”

Giuliani said terrorists “hate us and not because of anything bad we have done; it has nothing to do with Israel and Palestine. They hate us for the freedoms we have and the freedoms we want to share with the world.”

Giuliani continued: “The freedoms we have are in conflict with the perverted, maniacal interpretation of their religion. He said Americans would fight for freedom for women, the freedom of elections, freedom of religion and the freedom of our economy.”

Well, I can’t say I agree with all of what Giuliani is fighting for, and I’m not sure any of you should too, but he makes a decent point. This war will end when they stop coming to America to kill you all, and the only way they’re going to stop is if Dad makes them stop. The only way Dad will make them stop, of course, is if you all convince Him that it’s a good idea. Right now the death toll is climbing. Are you sending Him the right message?

The real problem Giuliani faces is not his silly portrayal of Democrats, with whom he shares a stronger bond than he wants to admit, but his commitment to equality for those whom God has deemed unequal. To cite specifics, real equality for women is a dangerous precedent unless the Bible is painstakingly considered in the process, freedom of religion is only tolerable if the religions being practiced are limited to Christianity, and freedom of the economy is allowed only in cases where that economy is used to spread Dad’s message. The problem you as voters face is separating all of this noise from the truth. All of your candidates claim to identify with God, including John Edwards, who has already been damned to Hell for his utterly senseless invocation of my name for the purpose of gaining votes. In reality only two of them actually have what it takes to make a run for Heaven, and only one of those two has the mettle to win both the White House and the ascension. Rudy Giulinani is neither.

What I would urge you to do is focus your attention not on preventing more 9/11 type attacks by bolstering your nation’s defenses, but rather to prevent them by adhering to Dad’s expectations and believing that He will keep the muslim nasties far from the sanctity of American soil. This starts not by choosing the right President, but by choosing the right type of life to lead at an individual level. Once you have that accomplished on a large scale you’ll find that choosing the right President becomes much easier.

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