Utah Trooper Ron Gardner is going to Heaven!

Posted by Jesus on December 3, 2007

I have gotten an overwhelming flood of prayers asking whether or not it’s alright for a police officer to taser an unarmed man in the back for attempting to walk away during a traffic stop. Strangely enough, most of you seem to believe that the Trooper in question should be punished. Some of you suggest that I would have let the man go, so Gardner should have done the same thing. This isn’t quite true. I might not have tasered him in the back, but I would have tasered him all the same. Sometimes people are just asking for it, and today Trooper Ron Gardner is getting his reward in Heaven for his liberal application of the rod in the line of duty.

Fortunately, his fellow cops claim that Gardner did the right thing. When in a position of authority, the use of authoritative tools is always justified. Just as God once smote entire cities for failing to heed His words, the use of the taser against the unarmed populace of America is an appropriate and measured response to any situation which requires compliance. People need to understand that you don’t argue with cops, just as you don’t argue with God. If more police officers skipped diplomacy and went instead to the taser, such as in the case of this most excellent public servant Ron Gardner, the USA might be a much nicer place. The only mistake this officer made was not zapping the guy’s wife too. If you watch the video you’ll see that she is also in need of a ride on the taser.

When he dies of old age, fat and happy after a life of forcing compliance through the use and threat of pain and death on the unarmed citizens of his state, Ron Gardner will ascend immediately to his honored place in Heaven, where he will dine with God Himself. For understanding God so well as to inflict his will onto another being through the use of a pain-deliverance device, Gardner has joined the ranks of such luminaries as Donald Rumsfeld, Pope Sixtus IV, and Deanna Laney.

While he lives, Gardner will be protected from on high by a special contingent of ultra-hard Angels. We know there are a lot of heathens out there who would love nothing more than to see “justice” served in what many of you consider to be a case of a cop going too far. Not that your opinions matter though, because in the end anyone who doesn’t agree absolutely that Ron Gardner did his job to perfection when he tasered the unarmed and nonthreatening Jared Massey in the back on the side of a busy highway is going to Hell. Sometimes I think the only way to get through to you silly liberals is the cold, hard bite of a taser barb. Maybe if we started issuing them to preachers we could count on a little conviction from the masses who dare show their face in my house on Sunday.

If you want to send your praise to the Utah Department of Public Safety for siding with this officer in his decision to use his taser so brutally and efficiently, you can either click here to send them email or call them at (801) 965-4518. I highly recommend that all good Christians call today to tell these fine public servants how fantastic a job they are doing!