Top Ten Reasons Not to Overthrow Your Government

Posted by Jesus on July 8, 2007

It’s difficult to know what happens on the Sabbath around here, as God shuts Heaven completely down. There’s no Internet access, no shops open, and no prayers being answered. The only person who works on the Sabbath is the Holy Spirit, and even she has it easy. Most of you go to church on the first day instead of the seventh, so we all chip in and help her out on Sunday. Today, though, I wanted to respond to Satan’s “Top Ten Reasons to Overthrow Your Government,” which I should add is not at all indicative of the attitude of all angels.

Top Ten Reasons Not to Overthrow Your Government

10. Your politicians are not criminals. So your elected officials take a little bit of money now and then from some businesses. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. For instance, look at how much money the oil companies have given politicians in the last decade, and then look at how far along alternative fuels are today. If they really were criminals they’d be stifling innovation and hiding the results of studies showing that petrochemicals and edible oils are bad for you and are killing the environment.

9. Murder is wrong. Part of rebellion involves murdering anyone who gets in your way. Unless you’re killing muslims because God’s mouthpiece in office told you to do so, you are committing murder. It’s not a problem when God wants someone dead and you become His instrument, but when you want someone dead and God doesn’t sanction the hit, you can bet on Hell being your next stop.

8. Welfare. If you take out the government, who will provide for those poor souls who are too busy doing the Lord’s work by repeatedly procreating? A single urban mother with eleven children and one on the way simply won’t make it in a post-overthrow America.

7. The two-party system works great. What do you get when you have a Republican, a Democrat, a Communist, a Libertarian, a Socialist, and a Rogue Dictator all running for the highest office in the land? Car bombings, “accidental” fires, food poisoning, and eventually an America run by someone who calls himself (or herself) President for Life. Everyone here knows your attention spans are short, so why make it any tougher by letting more that two parties run?

6. The Internet. Sure, a lot can be said about the impending loss of neutrality on the Internet, most of it good. With carriers granted the right to filter and monitor anything they want, you can bet that there will be way fewer anti-religious sites. I’m all for anything that removes religious dissent and mockery of Christianity from the Internet. If you overthrow the government, however, sites that cater to those who would rather make a joke of religion will flourish. We wouldn’t want that, would we?

5. The health care system. Only in America can almost everyone receive the type of health care enjoyed by only the elite in other developed nations. Sure, a full quarter of your population doesn’t have even the most basic care, but according to the Old Testament, a full quarter of your population are supposed to be slaves anyway. God has a way of making things right even when you won’t do so yourselves.

4. Your government is finally getting around to spying on you. Why in the world would you want to rise up now, when the technology and means for effective monitoring of the general civilian populous is finally within reach? None of you seem to have a problem with me and God watching everything you do and stepping in when needed. What makes you think the government doing the same isn’t just an extension of God’s own Will? And it’s not like you’re doing anything wrong, right?

3. The education system. Regardless of what Satan says, your government is not keeping you intentionally stupid. What’s keeping you stupid is your continued insistence that women should be allowed to teach, a most egregious violation of God’s own desires. Even amidst such a damnable offense, more than half of you are still growing up to know God and to support two-thousand year old rules in your modern society despite their lack of appearance of applicability. Who says the education system is failing?

2. There’s a devout Christian at the helm. The biggest reason Satan wants you to overthrow your government is to get rid of Bush. Because you Commander in Chief’s decisions come largely from the mouth of God, he’s a threat to Satan’s plans. Don’t be overwhelmed by the rhetoric, the President of the United States is my guy. If all goes well we’ll even get him reelected for a third and maybe even a fourth term.

1. Because if you overthrow your government you will go to Hell. I hate to come back to this over and over again, but God has weighed in on the matter, decreeing that anyone participating in the overthrow of the government will be damned to Hell without appeal. In fact, anyone who even speaks ill of the current administration is damned to Hell. Like our guy said, “you’re either with us, or you’re with the terrorists.”

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