Them bones

Posted by Jesus on March 5, 2007

Jesus By now everyone has heard the story of the bones found in Jerusalem. James Cameron is producing a documentary which suggests that some bones found in a box in 1980 are mine, and further blathering on about how both Mom and Mary Mag are in there with me, and that we also had a son Judah, who is of course in the box with us too.

What part of resurrection don’t you get, people? It’s bad enough that I find myself having to defend myself from these baseless accusations about Mary, but to have it suggested that the I didn’t actually come back to life, walk out of my tomb, and float away into Heaven is simply appalling. It’s right there in black and white, John 20:17, I clearly indicate that my plans entail ascending. How can my bones be in a box in Israel when I’m not even on your planet anymore?

And I’ll let you all in on a little secret, only a few angels know. Mom’s bones are up here too. We sent a few guys in about twelve hundred years ago to retrieve them from Charlemagne, who had them in a box in his kitchen. There’s no way what they have in that box is me or Mom. They might have Mary Mag’s dust, but I wouldn’t even count on that. Do you have any idea how many people named Mary, Joseph, James, Jesus, and Judah there were just on my block? I’m more surprised they’ve found boxes full of bones not containing three out of five.

I’ll tell you what this is, James Cameron is just looking for some attention. He just has too much money to know what’s good for him. I’ll tell you what’s going to happen here too, James and the director of this Discovery Channel documentary, Simcha Jacobovici, are going to go to Hell. That’s my prediction, and between you and me I’d call it pretty informed. Now I’ve not seen the documentary yet, Saint Peter did Tivo it for me though, so I’m going to reserve judgment until I can see what they’ve come up with as to the fate of those mortal souls who sit on the board over there at Discovery, but I wouldn’t be surprised if at least one or two get the boot too. All told, including the union guys who worked on the set, nineteen people have already been marked off the short list over this documentary, and most of us with a vote haven’t even seen it yet. The real fallout hasn’t even started. There’s talk of taking points from everyone who even watches it.

The good news is that after the last Democratic Convention we had our Heavenly engineers put in an automatic damnation system that really relieved a lot of the manual effort we’ve been expending these last couple of thousand years manually filling out the books of your lives, and the buzz around Heaven City is that this will be the event to really test out the new voice/email interceptor logic. We hired a company out of Texas to build it for us, and it’s supposed to be easily as capable as the system the NSA put in place a a few years back. Already we’ve seen a significant decline in the number of accidental and false damnations, and the reallocation of angels to tasks other than following people around making lists of sins has really helped make a dent in this latest problem we’ve been having with the Catholics. They’d best keep their robes closed from here out, we’ve got six times the staff watching altar boys now that the Interceptercon Damnation Engine is running. They only thought we were omniscient before…

The worst part of this whole mess with the bones is watching poor Mary, who has to go through all of this again. Just when she’s starting to get her dignity back someone has to drag this whole “she slept with Jesus” thing out and we have to go back through therapy and just start all over at the beginning. I swear, sometimes I wonder if it would have just been better to let you throw your stones and go live quietly in the woods somewhere.

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