The religion of peace strikes again

Posted by Jesus on July 6, 2007

I’m so freaking sick of having to run off to deal with these damn muslim fundies who think bombs are an acceptable replacement for words. I was trying to spend a relaxing Independence Day week at Dad’s place on the lake with some friends, but nooooo-oooo, some idiot has got to go and try to enforce his stupid prophet’s will on everyone by blowing them up. What kind of logic is that?

I’ll tell you something that’s working though, and that’s the War on Terror. Have you seen how many people you’ve blown up over there? For every muslim fanatic you kill, that’s one less you have to kill later. Dad and I were talking about it earlier, and He was going on about some thing He read about how muslims become terrorists because they don’t get wives, and thus don’t get laid. No, having sex with little boys doesn’t count. Anyway, if terrorists are created because of polygamy in their societies, then blowing them up is a surefire remedy to the problem of global terrorism. The rich guys will get all the wives, then when they have sons they’ll be rich, so they’ll also take all the women. All of the poor people who can’t get wives are running off to war to lay claim to their own 72 virgins, the poor horny fools. I guess no one told them their virgins were dudes.

So what Moses and I did this week was run around the Middle East a little bit spreading some cash around. Dad’s book club had us read John Perkins’ Confessions of an Economic Hitman, and ever since then we’ve really been into the whole money game over there. We loaded up some illiterate government workers with bags of greenbacks and put them to work building harems, hotels, and mosques. The peaceful ones we can deal with. Even in the Old Days, you know, during the Crusades, we had a lot of respect for the peaceful muslims. There were those damned fundies then too, and you can bet that swarms of them fell under our swords in those fights as well.

Here’s why this will work though. The rich people, who are now richer, will dump buckets of cash into terrorist groups, who will find it simple to equip more fighters. The poor people, who now have the guns they’ve wanted, will run off to get killed by The Surge. See, Bush is in the loop. From the beginning, Iraq was meant to be a death trap. The real target is and always has been Iran. Iraq drew them in, gave them a battlefield to send all their guys and guns to, and here in a couple of months you’ll take the next step to finishing off the wifeless terrorists so you can walk right into a defenseless and dangerous Iran. History, I believe, will show Bush’s diplomatic prowess in dealing with Iran by going through Iraq as among the greatest accomplishments by any U.S. President ever.