The power of good prayers (and sharks)

Posted by Jesus on November 9, 2007

When Todd Endris went surfing a few months back, being attacked by a shark was the last thing he imagined possible. Then again Lot’s wife never expected to be turned to salt, Abraham’s son never saw himself as a possible sacrifice, and none of you imagined that fanatical idol worshiping, false-prophet following heathens would ram airplanes into your marvelous money towers. That’s the thing about God’s punishment. No one ever sees it coming, so it’s pretty tough to wiggle out of.

Todd, however, kept a cool head, even when faced with a clear and obvious warning from God that his sins were becoming unreasonable. Even as the shark made pass after pass in its attempt to eat the wayward surfer, Todd stepped through the process of crafting a well-formed prayer, and delivered it to me in time to save his own life. Luckily, he knew the steps. Many of you don’t, however, so today I’m going to teach you all how to pray when your life is on the line.

From the article:

“Maybe I saw him a quarter second before it hit me. But no warning. It was just a giant shark,” Endris said. “It just shows you what a perfect predator they really are.”

The shark, estimated at 12 to 15 feet long, hit him first as Endris was sitting on his surfboard, but couldn’t get its monster jaws around both surfer and surfboard.

The moment Todd saw the shark he began his prayer. It opened in much the same way anyone else’s might, with a proclamation unto God that attention was needed (“Oh God!”). As the shark backed off and spun around for a second swing, Todd began laying out his prayer. He had my attention, but whether or not he survived would be completely up to him.

He began the body of his prayer with praise, which is not always necessary, but is a good habit to get into if you want quick answers. He worshiped me for a few seconds, which under the circumstances was acceptable. His praise was haphazard and made little sense, but it’s not the words that matter, but rather their intention.

More from the article:

The second time, he came down and clamped on my torso – sandwiched my board and my torso in his mouth,” Endris said.

That attack shredded his back, literally peeling the skin back, he said, “like a banana peel.” But because Endris stomach was pressed to the surfboard, his intestines and internal organs were protected.

By the time the shark hit Todd again, he had completed the worship phase and had moved on to the clearing of his own sins. Since one cannot come unto God with the baggage of sin, Todd knew that his only hope was to seek forgiveness for whatever had caused God to send His wrath in the form of a shark. He quickly enumerated a few of his more egregious acts, in each one showing the necessary degree of humility and regret. He concluded by requesting that all of his nonspecific sins be absolved, again doing so with the requisite penitence.0

More from the article:

The third time, the shark tried to swallow Endris right leg, and he said that was actually a good thing, because the sharks grip anchored him while he kicked the beast in the head and snout with his left leg until it let go.

The whole time Todd was kicking, he was also proclaiming unto God his desire to live. He had praised me to my satisfaction, which granted him an audience in his time of need, after which he asked nicely to be forgiven for his transgressions, which I obliged. By the time the shark swallowed his leg, I was opening a channel to God so that Todd might plead his case to the one Being in all of Creation who might be able to help him. After a couple of seconds, Todd got through to God.

Things moved quickly from there. God sent me a memo within one hundred million trillionths of a half nanosecond asking me to intervene, and I forwarded His request to a group of Angelic Solutions Engineers for their take on the matter in about the same time frame. Angels are a little slower on the draw, so it took them a full billionth of a second to get back to me with a proposed solution. I examined their proposal, approved it, and sent it on with an emergency stamp to a Miracle Manager, who would coordinate with the Operations Team to get Todd saved. It took them almost a half-second to get everything in order, which is often the case over there due to the idiotic meetings my silly PM’s like to schedule, but they finally jumped into action, and not a moment too soon.

More from the article:

A pod of bottlenose dolphins intervened, forming a protective ring around Endris, allowing him to get to shore, where quick first aid provided by a friend saved his life.

They circled him, keeping the shark at bay, and enabled Endris to get back on his board and catch a wave to the shore.

As you can see, things could have been much worse for Todd if he’d flubbed his prayer. It was quick thinking and a well-structured cry for help which saved his life in this case, things which most people in the grasp of death can’t conjure. Hopefully Todd’s tale will help some of you to be prepared, should you ever find yourself the potential victim of God’s punishment. Remember, He’s not really out to kill you in most cases, but rather to let you know that your evil ways must change. How you handle His nudging in those critical seconds will almost always determine whether or not you become a victim of God’s Perfect Plan.

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