The New England Patriots are going to Hell

Posted by Jesus on September 11, 2007

There’s not a lot of things God hates more than cheating. Fags, murder, money, muslims, and perhaps Nascar. Past that, little compares to cheating. And as much as God hates cheating, He hates cheating in things that maintain a delicate social balance even more. I’ve even spoken about it here before (sports are supposed to be fair because nothing else in America is). For such a colossal screwup, we’ve decided to levy a harsh punishment on the entire Patriots organization. All of them, from owner Robert Kraft down to the guy who cleans mud out of the cleats.

It’s not often that we wave such a big wand up here. Normally we like to consider each individual on his or her own life, but in this case a clear message has to be sent. The Almighty God, His son Jesus Christ of Nazareth, nor His daughter The Holy Spirit will condone cheating within the realm of professional sports, period. Not in football, not in baseball, not in hockey, golf, curling, swimming, badminton, or boxing. If you cheat, you will go to Hell.

And don’t think that just because I don’t come talk about others like Barry Bonds means that they’re getting off easy. You can rest assured that he’s just as damned, as are all of those others who juice. You know who you are. I hope you like needles a lot, because Satan has got one of the nastiest freaking injector torture rooms I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of injector torture rooms. He shoots people up full of all sorts of fun things, like Korean food, buzzard puke, and little doses of Courtney Love’s “good stuff.” There are worse places to go, but only if you’ve got tolerances rivaling those of Kieth Richards.

Now all that’s left is the decision from the NFL. I’m meeting with Roger Goodell tomorrow morning, and I’m going to suggest the death penalty for all of them so that they can begin serving their eternal sentences in Hell. After I lay out my case for their deaths, I’ll take a slow breath and continue my negotiation by forgiving them and asking that they only be given suspensions and loss of some draft picks. It’s a killer technique. I’m going to get what I want either way, because let’s face it, I’m all-powerful and the commissioner of the NFL is not. Still, sometimes I like to get my way without having to threaten a guy’s first-born. It makes me feel like I’m really working for the continued salvation of mankind.

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