Taking back Texas

Posted by Jesus on March 15, 2007

There was a time, not so long ago, that Texas was my “Earth home.” If I ever wanted to visit, I’d almost exclusively do so in Texas. I still love Texas today, but something has changed. I’m sure you’ve all seen the news reports of Governor Rick Perry issuing an executive order to have all young women vaccinated against HPV by now. What you might not have seen yet is that Texas isn’t going down without a fight, which is the topic of our discussion today.

From the article:

Gov. Rick Perry’s executive order has inflamed conservatives who say it contradicts Texas’ abstinence-only sexual education policies and intrudes into family lives. Some critics also have questioned whether the vaccine has been proven safe.

Rick Perry has indeed contradicted Texas’ abstinence-only program, and more importantly has contradicted the law of God. Dad is nothing if not adamant about who you can sleep with and when, and any variation or modification to his mandated laws is simply intolerable. How can it be taken any differently? Texas says “hey, you shouldn’t sleep with people you’re not married to at all,” to which Perry replies “but if you do I’ll make it where there’s less of a danger of a painful cancer or disease!” Am I the only deity who sees the damnation coming? Not on your life. Dad called a special executive session of the voting committee earlier today to discuss the HPV thing, and Heaven is soon to issue a formal and official ruling on the matter. Not that we should have to bother, since the Bible is as official and anything can get, but the matter is of grave importance to us. People do not need to have sex before they’re married. It’s wrong, it’s a sin, and it will more than likely get you a disease.

Now, if a woman wants to get married at twelve or thirteen and start having babies, then we’re all for that. In fact, it’s doubly absurd that I should have to address the HPV matter and clarify the age of consent and marriage yet again for you people. Let’s start with Matthew 5:8, 1 Timothy 5:2, and maybe 1 Corinthians 6:18-20, and for the old-school among you we’ll get things rolling with Leviticus 20:10. Bottom line - don’t have sex until you are married by a preacher in a church under God or you will absolutely, positively, without a doubt, and completely go to Hell. That being said, Dad made all humans absolutely perfect in all ways. As soon as a woman becomes a woman she should be allowed to marry. What’s the point of having a fertile field sit around for a decade before it’s finally given crops?

Also from the article:

Elsewhere, a New Mexico bill that requiring the shots for sixth-grade girls is expected to be signed by the end of this week by Gov. Bill Richardson, spokesman Gilbert Gallegos said. And Virginia Gov. Timothy M. Kaine has said he would sign a similar bill passed by his state’s Legislature.

Although the Wyoming Legislature recently rejected a request for $4 million specifically to fund HPV vaccination, the state’s Department of Health intends to continue offering the vaccine to eligible girls with existing funding until the money run out.

In other states, Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick’s budget proposal, unveiled in February, proposed offering free shots in a voluntary program to all girls ages 9 to 18. A California Assembly committee on Tuesday put off voting on a bill that would require girls entering the seventh grade to be vaccinated against HPV.

It’s sad to see that Texas isn’t alone in this stupidity. Under the right circumstances we’d just be able to fix this with a well-placed tornado or a good old-fashioned ATF standoff, but with other states joining the fray we’ll have to rely on you, the flock, to maintain control on the ground. New Mexico, Wyoming, Massachusetts, Texas, and potentially others need to hear your voices. Demand that all drugs which combat sexually-transmitted diseases be banned immediately. The best way to keep kids from worrying about getting diseases through premarital sex is to virtually guarantee that they’ll never survive a premarital sexual encounter. It’s one thing to make it the official stance of your state’s program, but it’s another thing altogether to enforce it. Are you up to the task?