State Senator sues God, will go to Hell

Posted by Jesus on September 18, 2007

Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers has filed a lawsuit against God. While he claims that his legal action against the Almighty is merely to highlight the frivolous nature of your court system today, God just can’t let this act stand. Today it’s a guy suing God just to prove he can, but tomorrow it’ll be congregations who’ve lost their roof to a storm claiming that God owes them a new one and parents of little girls suing for wrongful death when God “needs more” their precious little snowflake. It’s bad precedent. It can’t stand. So Ernie Chambers will have to go to Hell.

The truly disturbing part of this lawsuit is the actual content of the complaint. For a guy who claims only to be making a point about the legal system, Chambers sure as heck didn’t pull any punches.

From the article:

The lawsuit accuses God “of making and continuing to make terroristic threats of grave harm to innumerable persons, including constituents of plaintiff who Plaintiff has the duty to represent.” It says God has caused, “fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects and the like.”

The suit also says God has caused, “calamitous catastrophes resulting in the wide-spread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earths inhabitants including innocent babes, infants, children, the aged and infirm without mercy or distinction.”

Chambers also says God “has manifested neither compassion nor remorse, proclaiming that defendant will laugh” when calamity comes.

Fearsome floods? Check. Egregious earthquakes? Check. Horrendous hurricanes? Check. Terrifying tornadoes? Check. Pestilential plagues? Check. Ferocious famines? Check. Devastating droughts? Check. Genocidal wars? Oh, you’d better bet that’s a big ol’ check. Of course he left out frightening fires, perturbing plane crashes, scary tsunamis, maddening massacres, and the steady stream of smart bombs He tells George to drop.

Ernie’s claims of wide-spread death and terror against even the smallest and most helpless is also factually correct. God, being your creator, knows exactly how potent a baby-killing can be, and He regularly falls back to such techniques when you all get too far out of line. And does He feel remorse or compassion? Of course not. You were given free will so that you would have control over the level of compassion displayed toward you by God. Most of you are so far out of line that He signs the orders to kill your babies and fly planes into your buildings without really even reading through them. It’s become routine up here. He goes to work every day and just pours random vengeance down upon you, as is His duty.

Despite Chambers being pretty much spot-on with his lawsuit, there’s one thing you just don’t do as a Christian in America today, and that’s attack God’s methods. No matter how horrible they are, no matter how many babies He slaughters, and no matter how loud He laughs as he rips your children and your happiness from you, no one has the right to be mad at God. Filing a lawsuit is just taking things way too far, and for that God has asked me to make an example of Ernie Chambers.

So here’s how we’re going to do this. First, he’s going to go to Hell when he dies. That much is a given. Second, everyone related to him is also going to go to Hell (by order of God Himself). Third, anyone who treats Chambers well for the duration of his miserable life will also go to Hell. While that may seem harsh, the likelihood of anyone treating a man who would sue God well is pretty slim, especially when word gets out that it’s now a damnable offense. Furthermore, for the rest of his time on Earth, which God has mercifully chosen not to end immediately, Ernie will be infested with small, painful, putrid-smelling boils on his gonads. Let’s see him try to keep up his Tuesday afternoon sessions with his regular hooker now.

Remember kids, God is vengeful and cruel and will kill you or your babies without a moment’s notice and for seemingly arbitrary reasons, but that’s still no excuse to get mad at or question Him. There’s a reason He’s all-powerful and you’re not. He has the intelligence necessary to know when a strategic strike in your life might yield further compliance to His Divine Will, while you at ground level see nothing but floods, terrorism, and dead babies. That doesn’t mean you can call Him out though. When push comes to shove He can just kill you and damn you eternally to Hell.