The Holy Spirit, she is in trouble

Posted by Jesus on May 10, 2007

There’s bad news today, and it couldn’t possibly come at a worse time. The Holy Spirit is still missing following the epic beating Dad laid down on us for thinking we’d tell you about His being a monkey and all, and we just found out she’s also being sued. A woman named Judith Dadd apparently asked the Holy Spirit to come over her, and when Spirit obliged the lady fell and writhed around, as is normal. Now she wants money because she bumped her head or something.

From the article:

Judith Dadd, 52, of Lansing is suing Mount Hope Church, based in Delta Township, and Williams. She says she went to the altar during a July 18, 2002 rally for church leaders and was “slain in the Spirit” according to testimony. She fell backward and struck her head on the floor. Dadd claims she still suffers from the effects of the fall, including depression, memory loss and difficulty concentrating.

…

Williams said the church “bent over backwards” to help her fill out insurance paperwork, but she refused all of their efforts. Asked why he told more than 200 church leaders at a July 2005 rally why he believed Dadd had renounced her faith and that her lawsuit seemed to be a “premeditated design,” Williams said, “she was accusing the Holy Spirit of slaying her and causing her injury, and accusing members of the church of not showing care or concern.”

We’ve come far enough along here at openjesus.org that I shouldn’t have to tell you all what to do about this. The Holy Spirit has no intention, ever, of hurting anyone. Sure, she slays folks now and again, but this is the first time in over a thousand years anyone has actually taken the time to file a lawsuit based on what the Holy Spirit did as part of her job.

We’ve also picked up increased chatter coming out of Hell, and there’s some pretty good intelligence suggesting that Satan and his band are mounting some sort of an attack very soon. We have therefore raised the Damnations Level to orange. Plan accordingly. This timing is just too obvious though. The attack couldn’t have anything to do with the Holy Spirit’s disappearance, could it? I’ve been trying to get Rupert Murdoch on the phone to request the services of Jack Bauer for a day or two, but he keeps telling his secretary to ignore me and suggesting my attempts are nothing more than prank calls. I’ve put in a request to Dad to “need him more” so we can get answers. We need answers, dammit!

In any case, if you see the Holy Spirit out there please ask her to come home. Moses says we really need to talk to her before anyone else does, because even though Judith’s case is bunk and has already caused her and everyone who looks like her to be damned permanently to Hell there still might be the public fallout to contend with. Holy Spirit, if you’re reading this, please come back. Dad’s really sorry about what He did, and He promises to take the story of our ass-whipping out of the Bible if you’ll just come home. We miss you. Please call us.

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