Something new, featuring you

Posted by Jesus on April 27, 2007

I’ve been in kind of a slump this week, what with all that’s been going on down there. You folks have really been talking to me a lot lately, and I appreciate that. It’s sad and unfortunate that it takes things like Virginia Tech to bring people around to what’s really important in life. It’s joyous and wonderful that more people have made that connection and reached out to those they love. Life really is a short, warm moment. All who experience it should get from it what they can.

And yes, even Jesus can get into a rut. All week long we’ve had this thing coming up, Slava the cellist was going to perform at the square in the big park in the middle of Heaven City this afternoon, by special arrangement. Alas, it’s not so easy as one might think to requisition such an artist. Dad did everything He was supposed to do, even making the soul available and getting it to Heaven, but a paperwork mistake cost us the show. Now we have to wait for customs to clear poor Mstislav through, and the concert has been rescheduled for Sunday. It should still be wonderful, but I was really looking forward to that this afternoon. Of course being omniscient I knew way back last week that it would be postponed, so you can understand how I’ve been bothered by this all week.

Anyway, that’s not what I wanted to talk about today. Actually, I didn’t want to talk about anything today. Instead I want to dedicate some time to your emails and answer some of the questions and comments which have been sent in over the past little while. I apologize if yours isn’t answered here, but there’s only so much I can do within the construct of a web application. I may be all-powerful, but I still only type with, like, six fingers.

From: Rachel Willis [address removed]
To: Jesus [jesus@openjesus.org]
Sent: March 09, 2007
Subject: Are you kidding me?!

Please take your website off line. It is discriminitory and i find it offensive as a Christian. You should be ashames!!!

I chose to start with this one for two reasons. The first is to allay any concerns that any Christians may have about this website being discriminatory. While Dad and I both show an obvious bias toward Christians in America as opposed to those in other nations or those who are foolish enough to practice another religion, we are certainly not discriminatory. Everyone who comes to our Gates is judged on the same set of principles, and those principles haven’t changed since the dawn of time. In fact, you’d all actually be a lot better off if we did discriminate a little - it might actually get the rules loosened up and let more than a few of you folks in. In all fairness, though, you’re being judged exactly as those who walked the desert with Moses were judged. It just turns out that most of them made it and most of you don’t. How is that “discrimination?”

Secondly, if there’s anything you as a Christian should find offensive, it’s that your own religion is being used to fleece and undermine all that you have all worked to build. Now I know you, Rachel, we’ve talked many times before, and I know you want your religion to be clean and pure. The only way that can be done is by pointing out the problems in the Christian movement while featuring those who are following in my footsteps. I am not ashamed to be the voice calling for reason and sanity in Christianity; it is, after all, my job!

From: Bob Chandis [address removed]
To: Jesus [jesus@openjesus.org]
Sent: March 15, 2007
Subject: finally

Jesus,

Just wanted to tell you your doing an awesome job. I hope all those supposedly “christians” out there are listening. The world would be a better place if everybody would just do what you say.

Love you,
Robert

Thank you, Bob, I’m glad you approve! It is my sincerest hope that all of the Christians in America are listening too, because we are only talking about eternal souls here, you know? The world is already a phenomenal place, and is as perfect as Dad wants it to be at any given moment, which is to say that what you have is pretty dang spiffy. I mean, compared to pretty much everything else out there your planet is outright fabulous! You’re very right though, the world would be much better if everyone did what I say. Oh, and I love you too!

From: Steve Miskowitz [address removed]
To: Jesus [jesus@openjesus.org]
Sent: April 02, 2007
Subject: You are the problem

You talk alot about how Christians are the problem and everything, but you are the real problem. You are an imposter and you do not understand the Bible. If Jesus really was here He would be very, very angry with you.

Whoa, chill out there a minute, Steve. Now I know that the Old Testament makes it abundantly clear that anyone who claims to be a prophet is a liar, and I know that if you really wanted to you could make that about me, but to say that I’m an impostor is a little much, don’t you think? I mean, you don’t see anyone else out there who died for your sins, do you? If I’m an impostor where’s the real Jesus? Did I tie him up and gag him and take over his blog? What do you think this is, Steve, make up anything you want day? And I do very much understand the Bible - heck, I’m one of a few beings in the whole of Creation with a direct line to not only the primary author, but every single individual who laid a pen to parchment to scribe the Bible. It’s you people who don’t understand the Bible, what with your taking bits and pieces of the Old Testament to apply and carving out other bits that are “not applicable in a modern setting.” Where in the pages does it say you can pick and choose, Steve? I think it’s you who doesn’t understand the Bible, and I’m just here to correct that.

From: Keller Wilson [address removed]
To: Jesus [jesus@openjesus.org]
Sent: April 03, 2007
Subject: why dont you answer me?

Dear Jesus,

I have been praying to you for most of my life, starting when I was a little boy all the way up to one year ago. I asked for many things and asked over an over for you to help my best friend beat MS. Why didn’t you listen, and why didn’t you help him? If you really did love us all and you really did want to help, that would have been a perfect opportunity to show yourself and do a good deed. Me and a lot of others don’t believe in you anymore since we never saw you help anybody.

Keller

Well, Keller, you’ve asked a really tough question. Like virtually every believer before you, there have been things you’ve requested and failed to get. This is just the way of things. Were you the supreme Creator of all that is and was and ever shall be you could mandate that all prayers get answered. I’m truly sorry to hear about your friend Paul. He was a good kid, and I did receive all of your prayers for him. There was a little bit of a lobby up here to help him, but unfortunately nothing could be done. It’s just Dad’s will, you know?

I hope that my being here and taking the time to respond to your questions helps you believe again. I’ve really missed you this last year, you know. We didn’t get to talk every day, but I did really enjoy the time we did spend with one another. I hope that you’ll come back. I can’t promise to make myself any more known or to answer any of your prayers, but I really would love to hear from you more regularly.

From: Gavin D. [address removed]
To: Jesus [jesus@openjesus.org]
Sent: March 26, 2007
Subject: YOU ARE SO WRONG!!!

NOT ALL CHRISTIANS THINK LIKE YOU DO! SOMETIMES ABORTION IS OK, THE WOMAN SHOULD REALLY GET TO CHOOSE, THE OLD TESTAMENT DOESN’T APPLY ANYMORE YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ONE WHO FIXED IT!

PLEASE STOP SPREADING SUCH UGLY THINGS AND STOPPRETENDING TO BE JESUS. IT IS NOT FUNNY AND ITS NOT RIGHT!

Gavin, I know you wrote a lot more. I hope you can forgive my brevity. Your message was sort of tough to follow, what with the caps lock key on your keyboard being broken. I’m not going to get into women or abortion or the Old Testament in this post, mostly because I’ve already covered those topics in some manner or another. I will say, however, that I do still love you and that you are still one of my highly favored and blessed children. I know you’re angry, and I know that a lot of that anger comes from learning that you’ve been led down the wrong path for much of your Christian experience; it’s alright now, I’m here to give you direction. I’m here to give you all direction, if you’ll only follow.

Thank you all for your emails and prayers, especially those which didn’t get posted here. It’s a tough job being your personal Lord and Saviour sometimes - but it’s something I gladly do. Keep the prayers coming, and always ask yourself, What Would Jesus Do? If in the end you aren’t sure, I’m listening.