Senator Larry Craig is a fag, so God hates him

Posted by Jesus on August 28, 2007

Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) was arrested a while back for attempting to engage in homosexual intercourse with an undercover police officer. He denies it, of course, as all good morally bankrupt politicians would, but we all know it’s true. Heck, in case there was really any doubt, Craig has even gone ahead and entered a guilty plea in the case. Not only is he a filthy homosexual deviant who is going to Hell, but he’s also too stupid to even hire a lawyer to attempt to mitigate the damage.

From the article:

According to Roll Call, the arresting officer alleged that Craig lingered outside a rest room stall where the officer was sitting, then entered the stall next door and blocked the door with his luggage.

According to the arrest report cited by Roll Call, Craig tapped his right foot, which the officer said he recognized “as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct.”

The report alleges Craig then touched the officer’s foot with his foot and the senator “proceeded to swipe his hand under the stall divider several times,” according to Roll Call.

At that point, the officer said he put his police identification down by the floor so Craig could see it and informed the senator that he was under arrest, before any sexual contact took place.

First of all, you can click here to see a really funny morning news team acting out the particulars of this arrest. If you know Chris Burrous or Jeff James let them know they’ve each earned twenty bonus points toward their Salvation Score for making God chuckle. He’s been really down lately, as witnessed by the number of people getting squished in mines lately and all the Britney Spears comeback talk. Someone needed to make Him laugh, else there might have been a supervolcano or something by the end of the week. Come to think of it, there still might be.

In any event, I wanted to talk to you for a minute about why exactly this Distinguished Gentleman from Idaho is going to burn for all eternity in the scalding pits of infinite horror. We all know that homosexuality is indeed a sin, and in itself grounds enough for immediate damnation, but Craig’s case is a bit worse than your standard run-of-the-mill buggering. Let me paint you a picture, and tell me if you don’t see where this perverted old man went wrong.

Our sexual deviant walks into a men’s bathroom and waits for a stall to open up, all the while peeking through cracks in the occupied stalls. The stench of fecal matter excites and bewilders him. When the stall he wants becomes available he climbs into it and begins the homosexual courtship ritual found in men’s rooms across the country. He initiates “footsie” with the police officer, which signals his intent to have sexual relations. Bear in mind that both of these men are sitting on toilets, where one or both of them very well may be in the act of pinching a loaf. For a gay man, nothing is more inviting than a recently emptied bowel, which is why so much of this behavior takes place in restrooms.

When the police officer responds positively to the Distinguished Gentleman’s request for fornication, our hero passes his hand repeatedly under the stall for some reason or another. You’ll have to forgive my ignorance of homosexual dating games, but I assume that this signal illustrates the Senator’s desire to crawl under the divider between the stalls and mount the man next to him in a fit of passion. I can’t say with any certainty whether or not the hand signal meant exactly that, but I can tell you that Craig was indeed thinking about that very act, which leads me to believe that I’m right. Despite your repeated requests, I refuse to use my power of omniscience to discover exactly how fags behave in their native environment though, so we’re just going to have to go with my gut on this one.

So what you’ve basically got is a man sitting in a cramped stall where people leave their waste, asking politely for permission to bugger the man next to him, who in fact might be at least partially covered in his own stink. Disgusting, eh? Not for a Republican Senator with a wife and kids who just happens to be a sick and twisted closet homosexual. Nothing riles up a conservative “man of the people” like getting filthy in a public airport bathroom with another bloke.

What most of you probably don’t know is that there is actually a long tradition of homosexual behavior in the Senate, dating back as far as the Civil War. Up until the 1930’s it was relatively common for both Republicans and Democrats (and even some Whigs) to gather in the Executive Coat Room for a congressional man-orgy. These activities died off over time as rifts grew wider between political parties and men began refusing reacharounds to political opponents. After a while your elected representatives began looking for hot man-love outside of the office, and eventually you get what we have today. This is why Larry Craig’s fellow Senators aren’t speaking publicly about his problem. An overwhelming majority of them suffer the same sins, and without the tradition of the late night coat room roll calls are forced to act upon them with strangers instead of political rivals. If only they’d learn to bend one another over like they once did, maybe they wouldn’t need to do it to the rest of the people in America, right?

And don’t think I’m overlooking the fact that this guy was instrumental in Mitt Romney’s campaign. Just because God hasn’t struck down all Mormons for following their false prophet doesn’t mean He’s not paying attention. I’m reporting to Dad daily on the state of the presidential race, and when the time is right God will smite all those who oppose His Good Will. Mitt Romney only wishes the worst thing that could happen to him is a high-level campaign organizer getting caught trying to bugger a cop in an airport bathroom.

Today is about Senator Larry Craig of Idaho though, the Republican who will soon vacate his office. We’ll come back to Mitt another day, when the time is right. For now there is a lesson to be learned. Not only is it wrong to be gay, and not only is it wrong to work for a Mormon presidential bid, but it’s both wrong and disgusting to troll for man-sex in a public crapper, and even worse to try to bugger the people of America instead of political rivals. As a result, Larry Craig is going to Hell when he kicks the bucket, as have so many Senators who have preceded him, and as will the vast majority of those who follow
him. And so another day passes in Washington, business as usual.

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