Saint Pope

Posted by Jesus on March 30, 2007

You’d think that with so many other things happening around the world - war, hunger, genocide, muslim extremism, atheism, abortions, homosexuality, and hate, to name a few - you Christians wouldn’t spend so much time worrying about whether or not someone becomes Saint this or Saint that after their death. I simply cannot tell you the number of prayers I’ve received lately about Pope John Paul’s miracle cure and likely ascension to sainthood. It’s like some of you have put your entire lives on hold until this gets settled or something. What’s even worse are those of you praying in asking about whether I support him or not. Well, let me explain…

The process of making someone a saint is pretty much a Catholic thing. It gives them warm fuzzies to elevate a person now and again to virtual deity-like status, and as a general rule we let them do what they’re going to do. We don’t really like to weigh in on whether or not someone deserves the title of Saint down there, as in the end it’s their final Judgment decision up here which matters. We tend to focus on only that which is really relevant, you see. I can tell you that Pope John Paul has ascended, and he is in Heaven currently. It wasn’t hard to get him in, he lived a pretty darn good life compared to most of you.

And what to the claims of his curing a nun of Parkinson’s? This is the one problem we have with the way Catholics do this sainting thing. As a general rule we don’t really allow individuals to perform miracles on Earth, except in rare circumstances. We certainly don’t allow them to perform anything even close to a miracle after they die, either. So whatever cured this nun was not the late Pope. There’s a lot more to the story than we’re being told here though, and I’m not really at liberty right now to divulge the rest of this matter. You’ll all hear the news though, and it will have an impact. Omniscience allows for the coolest setups, no?

For those of you who want to see the full pomp of the Catholic machine, keep an eye on the Beautification and Canonization process over at this website. I’m not going to tell you whether or not you as a Christian are supposed to support this process, as I’m kind of interested in seeing how this plays out when the real story starts breaking. For now we’ll just call it an experiment, kind of like with the fruit or the flood, and see how you all play it. This should be very interesting indeed. Even your late Pope has tuned in.

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