Prince and the New Biblical Funk

Posted by Jesus on May 16, 2007

Dad and I were sitting up late last night talking about some things, and He mentioned wanting to put together a big music festival for Christians. Since the Holy Spirit has been to a few we asked her what she would like to see in one planned and executed by God Himself. Although most of her answers were dodgy and a little difficult to work into The Plan - she wanted to see a lot more writhing on the ground while speaking in tongues, for instance - some of her points were very well taken. Better and cheaper food, she suggested, would keep the masses from leaving over what might well end up being several weeks of music. Perfect weather, which she indicated might actually
include a little rain, would make the environment right for music and worship. And most importantly, she suggested that we find some better music, as most Christian bands just outright suck.

God, being God, obliged Himself to the Holy Spirit and began to work her ideas into His Plan, which is to say that He had already planned the conversation that we’d just concluded and had already arranged for those suggestions which He knew that He would prefer above all others to be included in the design for His big music festival. It’s damn annoying the first few times He does that to you, but after a while you just learn to get used to it.

Starting this week you should all start to see a few things come together in preparation for what will be the biggest concert of all-time, unless of course God plans a second one later. One of the first steps He’s taking is procuring artists who can learn and master Biblical material so that a few albums can be released prior to the festival. He’s serious about getting between eighty and a hundred million of you folks together in one place for this show, so He’s working hard to bring along artists who can draw such numbers. One of the first selected is the artist formerly known as, and recently known as again, Prince!

You heard me right, true believers, the fine and funky Prince has been selected to headline God’s music festival. First, though, he’s been asked to learn the Bible and to write some new songs aimed at Christians. Prince, being a consummate professional, has jumped into his new role with glee and is voraciously reading the Good Book.

From the article:

The 48-year-old, who said he was getting his inspiration these days from “prophets from the Bible”, added that he did not expect to be back in London performing for some time after the 2007 visit.

“That’s another reason why we’re trying to stay so long. I just need to take some time off for study and travel.” When asked what he was studying, he replied: “The Bible.”

See, we’re starting him off easy. Right now he’s getting inspired by me and a few others, and later on we’re going to move him to reading more into Dad’s Word. His inspiration will change, you see, from “prophets from the Bible” to “God.” I know a lot of other artists claim to be inspired by God, but Prince will be the first musician with whom Dad actually intends to communicate directly. He will, in that sense, become the first funk musician to ever claim God as a real and honest co-writer. And let me tell you from personal experience, Dad writes some of the drippiest and nastiest funk you have ever heard. Consider that He is the source from which all talent flows. It therefore stands to reason that He would be as capable as George Clinton, Prince, Bootsy, James Brown, and Victor Wooten all rolled into one. If you’re really, really lucky He might even possess a bassist on stage at the festival and put on a little clinic of His own.

So while the news may seem minor at this point, it’s likely that you’ll hear of a few more artists taking up the Bible over the next little while in preparation for His festival. Prince was just a really spectacular place to start for Dad because of his love of funk. From here we’ll likely pick up a couple of classic rock folks, maybe the remaining Allman Brother or Foghat, some megarockers like the Stones and Robert Plant, and even a few pop groups. With Prince headlining and Dad producing though, what could possibly go wrong?

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