People who pretend to be God are going to Hell

Posted by Jesus on September 21, 2007

Not long ago I wrote about a Nebraska State Senator who is suing God, explaining exactly why that legal maneuver would fail and commit the plaintiff directly to Hell. Apparently some jokester out there thought it would be a good idea to respond to the lawsuit pretending to be God. That’s just a bad idea no matter how you look at it. While you on Earth don’t know exactly who did this, we in Heaven know who is responsible, and you can bet that they’re going to Hell for such a boneheaded move. You simply can’t pretend to be God and expect not to get damned.

What’s really fascinating about the legal response is the content itself. For a mock-up it’s really quite correct. The perpetrator of this grievous crime against God might have originally had a shot at Heaven, were they to put their knowledge to good use instead of pretendig to be The Almighty.

From the article:

Chambers, a self-proclaimed agnostic who often criticizes Christians, said his filing was triggered by a federal lawsuit he considers frivolous. He said he’s trying to make the point that anybody can sue anybody.

Not so, says “God.” His response argues that the defendant is immune from some earthly laws and the court lacks jurisdiction.

It adds that blaming God for human oppression and suffering misses an important point.

“I created man and woman with free will and next to the promise of immortal life, free will is my greatest gift to you,” according to the response…

I went to see Moses this morning to get further clarification on the matter. For those of you who don’t know, Moses is the Chief Justice of our Heavenly Court. If anyone would know God’s legal standing on Earth, it would be him.

Moses explained that God is definitely immune from laws on Earth, and is even immune from laws in Heaven. Because He wields power enough to destroy all creation, the Court refuses to accept any complaint against Him. It’s kind of the same way no one can really sue your government for stomping all over your rights. All-powerful is all-powerful, and that’s the end of it.

As for the free will argument, it’s the same one I’ve been making since the beginning. Everything that happens to you is the result of your own free will. If you get killed in a hurricane, it’s because you chose not to know God and He punished you. If your child dies at birth it’s because you are being punished for something you either did before or will do later. If your buildings are rammed by jets, it’s God making a point about your tolerance of homosexuality. How much simpler can I make it? You simply can’t sue God for punishing you when it is your actions which necessitate the punishment in the first place.

However, the main point today is not the content of the lawsuit itself, nor the text of the response to that lawsuit. It is that someone out there thinks he’s oh-so-clever enough to actually pretend that he is God. This is unacceptable. Heaven’s response to this act will be understandably the most brutal punishment we’ve ever levied on any one person.

For pretending to be God, the perpetrator of this false response will begin by watching every single person he has ever cared about die horribly. His family will be stricken with flesh-eating bacteria, will choke on their own feces, be eaten alive by gnats, contract, progress, and die of AIDS in a matter of days, and commit suicide by boiling themselves in the semen of monkeys. Old school chums will contact him to arrange meetings to catch up, during which they will spontaneously combust or be poisoned by the waiter. His work colleagues will have car accidents, heart attacks, and will fight to the death in his office. In the end, when this person who thinks it’s funny to pretend to be God actually runs out of people on Earth that he knows, he will be arrested and convicted of child pornography crimes after several thousand homemade kiddie porn videos are discovered in his office. Six years later, after being raped hourly in prison by men who outweigh him by well over two hundred pounds, he will finally be burned alive by his cell mate over the course of eleven days and with nothing but a box of kitchen matches.

Once in Hell, our jokester will be given a place of honor in the Royal Satanic Dungeon. This is where all of the new and most horrific experiments are carried out. For the remainder of eternity he will be subjected to the most painful and humiliating punishment devised by Satan’s official torturers, who are led by Joseph McCarthy himself. There won’t be any automated stuff for this guy; we’re talking hands-on for the remainder of all time. Take the nastiest stuff you can imagine, and then throw it all out because it doesn’t even scratch the surface.

Maybe the next time one of you wants to pretend to be a deity you’ll think twice now, eh?

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