Paris is free, national IQ back to normal

Posted by Jesus on June 28, 2007

Recently sentenced to Hell for all eternity and heiress to a future string of slum hotels, Paris Hilton is now once again walking the streets after a short stint in a government-run country club. Asked about her release, God is reported as saying “Paris? You mean that little whore with all the diseases and sex tapes?”

I’ve seen the Larry King interview too, and I’m as appalled as you are. Of course I also know a little more than you do, being omnipotent. The biggest complaint I’ve heard is that she claims to have read the Bible daily, yet cannot come up with a single “favorite passage.” Let me go ahead and dispel the rumors.

Paris did not read the Bible every day. Paris did not read the Bible every week. Paris did not read the Bible once. She only picked it up twice, both times to tear out pages to roll joints. The first time she smoked a little bit of Psalms, and the second time she puffed up a whole page of Numbers.

It would have been nice if she’d burned one rolled up in a little bit of Exodus or Deuteronomy. You know, that whole thing about not lying? Yeah, she broke that several times over during her interview. Of course she’s already been damned, so in the end her sins don’t really matter anymore. Still, I think that even smoking the Ten Commandments might have taught her something. Somehow.

What surprised me the most was the overall intelligence most of you showed while she was in jail. Without such an utter moron for most of you and your kids to look up to, the national IQ actually went up noticeably for a couple of weeks. It was the single largest jump since Madonna moved to England.

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